Tuesday, December 29, 2009


I have to admit, I'm glad Christmas is over. It went really well, but apparently I was stressed about it. I get a rash/hives sort of thing when I am really stressed and have had it for about a week now. Hopefully it disappears soon.

Christmas day was fine.Both of my kids were sick so we were up four or five times in the night and then my son was up at 7. We had a nice family time, opening stockings and presents. (My husband spolied me this year) Then my mom,sister, Grandma and aunt and uncle came over for brunch. We ate SO much food! It was great. It was a nice relaxing day.

Later on my brother and sister in law and kids came over. We were in a different house and I think it made things easier. I had some pictures of my dad out but we didn't make a big deal of it which I think was a good thing. We all knew we were all missing him but we really just needed a fun day and focused on the kids. We had some extra family and friends over for supper which made it fun.

On Sunday, some of my parents oldest friends had us all over. Us kids grew up together and we are more like family than friends. Now, lots of us have kids ourselves and it makes a big group. It was really nice to be together, but probably one of the hardest things to do so far this season for some reason. I have so many memories of the "adults" being in the living room visiting while us "kids" would hang out in the tv room. Every time I went into the living room, I had to remind myself that my dad wouldn't be in there, joking around with everyone. It was a very strange feeling. I've been there since he died but for some reason the Christmas gathering brought back all these memories.

So, I am glad it's over. One more check on the list of firsts to do with no dad. Christmas was probably the hardest so far.
I can't believe it is almost a whole year.
2009 will go down as one of the worst for my family. In the space of three months, my second cousin, great uncle and dad died. I think most of my family had a tough Holiday and is ready for 2010 to be better.
Here's hoping.

Monday, December 21, 2009

I should never have made this...

Monkey Munch/Puppy chow/addicting peanut butter treat
9 cups Crispix Cereal (Or Shreddies or whatever you want)
1 cup Semi Sweet Chocolate Chips
1/2 cup Smooth Peanut Butter
1/4 Butter
1-2 teaspoon Vanilla
1 1/2 cup Icing Sugar

Measure cereal into bowl and set aside. Microwave chocolate chips, peanut butter and butter in a bowl on high for 1 minute. Stir. Heat more if needed. Add vanilla.(I forgot this the last couple of times - no biggie) Pour chocolate mixture over cereal and mix. Pour mixture into large ziplock bag and add icing sugar. (Also helps to add a bit of the sugar before you put the cereal in too) Shake well. Store in ziplock bag or large sealed bowl (I think it tastes best stored in the freezer).

I used white chocolate chips for one batch. Soooo good. But the rest of my family prefers the dark choc. You could try butterscotch, mint choc chips or whatever else you fancy.
I haven't really followed the recipe since the first time I made it and it always turns out just fine. That's the way I like baking.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Feeling blah

Already this is harder than I thought it would be. I'm feeling very lonely these days. So glad the weekend is here and my husband will be home.

I know that Christmas will be busy so that's a good thing. I have too much time to think and be sad right now.
I went to my little sister's Christmas concert the other day. That was hard. Usually dad would have seats saved for us nice and early and would help entertain my son. It was just my grandma, son and I at this one. My mom went to the evening concert. It made me sad that my little sister had to see all the other parents out there, knowing that her dad wasn't there.

My dad is missing so much. I really wish he was here.

Christmas is going to be so weird without him.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The path of Peace

This is a post from my first blog - December, 2005

"Because of the tender mercy of our God,
by which the rising sun will come to us from heaven
to shine on those living in darkness
and in the shadow of death,
to guide our feet into the path of peace."
Zechariah's song, Luke 1:78,79

I love these verses.
This is what Christmas is about. Our Messiah coming to save us.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

One day at a time

I'm trying to be happy these days. But the sadness creeps in at unexpected times.

So, my new thought is, every day that I miss my dad, that he is gone, is one day closer to seeing him again in Heaven.

That's all for today.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009


"Don't have a baby because you want a baby, have a baby because you want to be a parent."

The other night my little sister asked me why I liked being a mom. I didn't know how to answer. Why do I like being a mom? Why did I want to be a mom? Because I love my kids? Because I love taking care of them? Because they are the most wonderful gifts from God? Of course, but her question got me thinking about motherhood.

I have always loved kids. I started babysitting when I was eleven and didn't stop until I had my own kids. My niece was born when I was 16 and I was thrilled. My little sister was born when I was 18 and I was the happiest big sister there ever was. So I thought having my own would be the most wonderful thing in the world. I remember thinking that if I ever got pregnant I would be happy every day of the pregnancy.

It took almost a year for me to get pregnant, at times I wondered if it would ever happen. So,we were a bit shocked when we found out. We were excited and scared. We had very little money and no benefits but knew that things would be okay. And it was. My husband got his present job (with benefits)three weeks after our son was born. Life was great. We loved being parents. We couldn't believe how boring our life was before him. Our son is wonderful. It wasn't all fun though, I have to say the first year after becoming parents was the hardest year of our marriage so far.

Then when our son was two we thought it'd be nice to have another one. Again, it took a long time. The day I went to my Doctor to start fertility treatment (I have pcos) I found out I was pregnant! We were thrilled. Our daughter has been such a gift. I truly believe that I would have let myself sink when my dad died had I not been pregnant. She was our light at the end of the dark tunnel. Watching our children play is one of my favorite things. They love each other so much already. My son gets concerned when she cries, and her little face lights up whenever she sees her brother.

Being a mom is hard. It is full of worry and guilt. It is sleepless nights and anxious days. You wonder if you are doing everything right, if you discipline properly, if your child is well behaved, if your child is eating a proper diet, if they are going to grow up to be caring, loving, well mannered, functioning adults and on and on it goes.

Motherhood is also the best thing in the world. Listening to giggles, getting hugs, being told, "I love you.", hearing your child pray, watching them play and discover the world, being so excited about new things. These are the things that make it all worth it. Seeing my husband's face light up when he looks at our kids gives me joy.

No wonder God used his only son to demonstrate how powerful he loves us. It is a love that is so strong you cannot even describe it. It feels like your heart will burst.

I love being a mom. Why? A million reasons, I'd have to write a book to list them all. It is the best job I've ever had.

Friday, November 27, 2009

One of those days.

Today is one of those days where I wish I could have just stayed in bed.
My son is being three. (not obeying, getting into everything, won't eat what he's given, did I mention not obeying?). My house is a mess. My back is killing me. My daughter won't nap for longer than 1/2 an hour and is grumpy. I am tired. And I haven't seen my husband all week.
I feel guilty about complaining about that though. My mom never gets to see her husband again. (in this life). So what do I have to complain about?

I think I am just sad. My post on Sept.25 accurately describes how I am feeling today.

But I am still thankful.(It was American Thanksgiving yesterday after all) For everything God has given me. I have two beautiful, healthy children, a great husband, wonderful family, friends and neighbours, a warm house, food, and so much more than I deserve.

So I am sad, and thankful today.

Thursday, November 26, 2009


The other day, my little sister was over. We love to bake together. I started letting her add things into the bowl when she was two and she always asks if we can make something when she's over. So we made some pumpkin muffins. I had some leftover icing from a birthday so thought I'd let her and my son decorate the muffins. Healthier than cupcakes but still a "treat".

My son's masterpiece:

My little sister's:

I'm starting to get excited to do some Christmas baking! She told me she wants to make fudge this year...:)

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Out of the mouths of babes

My husband occasionally has a beer. Our son knows it is not a kids drink and to never try some. (But knows what it looks like) To further discourage him we thought we'd let him smell it. He ended up liking the smell. I thought he would think it was yucky. (because I do)
The other night we had a family supper to celebrate my little sister's birthday. Everyone was at my mom's house. The kids were at the table eating and my son had a glass of white grape juice. Everyone was talking and there was a pause, then nice and clear I heard my son say, "I WANT MORE BEER!"

Let's just hope he never has juice when we're at a lunch at church or something!

Friday, November 20, 2009


7:30 am. Son went to bed at 10:30 last night and was still up at 7. He is now drinking some milk and watching a dvd beside me. I let him watch dvd's first thing when I am really tired. (pretty much everyday) Baby girl is still asleep, although I heard her stirring through the monitor. I really need to get her on a regular routine. Maybe she would start sleeping though the night again?

I love reading blogs. When I have time. I have a few regular ones that I check out at least once a week. Some are friends of mine, some are friends of friends and some are just random people that I've seen links to from somewhere. Most of them are moms.
The ones I love are the ones that make me laugh, think or cry. They are real and honest and encouraging and help me realize that I'm not alone in this journey.

There are some that leave me feeling guilty or not good enough so I've stopped reading those. You know who they are; the supermoms who only give their kids organic food, take amazing photos, live in gorgeous houses, write beautifully, are talented and creative, are amazing Christians who inspire and are oh so Spiritual. They don't let their kids watch tv and they homeschool. When I read those blogs, I find myself lacking and not good enough. So I've stopped reading those ones.
I have enough guilt in my day to day life. I don't need someone I don't even know making me feel like my life isn't good enough. I know this is not their intent, but sometimes it seems like they are saying, "look at me, aren't I the best mom/wife/Christian/friend/neighbour?" I should feel inspired to do better, not inadequate.

Us moms have enough pressure. There is constant competition. My kid walked earlier, my kid talked earlier, look how well my kid behaves, my baby has always slept through the night, my 9 month old already has the books of the Bible memorized, watch my four year old play Moonlight Sonata, my three year old loves broccoli, my kid was potty trained at 1 year and so on. (of course these are exaggerations - I tend to do that a lot on here)

Of course I would write about accomplishments and feel proud of them, but I would want others to feel proud WITH me, not envious. And hopefully I would not appear boastful. So forgive me if I ever do seem boastful. I don't mean to.

Ok, I'm done. Forgive my ramble. I always start my post with one thought in mind and then end up going on about a another topic. That is the way my brain works.

It is now 8:30 am. I have since gotten my daughter up, helped my son do a puzzle, wiped two snotty noses, pet the Tiger (son) and watched him do some tricks, changed a diaper, explained to the Tiger why he cannot colour on the puzzle, and even had time to drink a cup of coffee.
And I think this is the fastest I have ever gotten a post done!

1 Thessalonians 5:11 (New International Version)

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Day something or other

I had two cookies today. Oh well. I haven't completely cut out sugar but am doing ok. I don't put any in my tea. I don't eat chocolate everyday. I let myself have a treat every once awhile because otherwise I will go crazy. Lately, we've been eating supper a bit later and then haven't been snacking at all in the evening, which is great!
I don't think I've lost any weight so far.
Nine months to put the weight on - should take around that to lose it.
I am jealous of women that lose all of their baby weight while breastfeeding. I am not like that. I have been breastfeeding my daughter for four months and have barely lost anything. It is not the miracle diet that all of the magazines say it is!

Monday, November 9, 2009


8 months.

Dear Dad,
I wish you could see my kids. I wish you could see how much they love each other already.

I wish you could have been at the birthday party yesterday. It was fun and loud and all the kids running around everywhere would have driven you crazy :)

I am almost done Christmas shopping, whenever I open a catalogue or go into a store I see something you would have liked. A huge flashlight with tons of gadgets on it or a canvas bag with a picture of a moose on it. I really wish you could have been here for the baby's first Christmas.

You are missing D's birthday soon. She will be 9. I remember the day she was born. You called me and told me I had a little sister, just like I'd always wanted. When I got to the hospital you were sitting in the rocking chair holding her close and had the hugest smile on your face. You and mom were so happy!
She is a great little girl.

You are missing so much. We are missing you so much.

I read a book about Heaven. It helped a bit. You are happy there. You probably don't miss us like we miss you. You know we will be there in the blink of an eye. But right now, here, we'd rather have you with us.

I'll try to remember that you are happy. I'll try not to be selfish.

Wish you were here.

Nov.9, 09

Sometimes I feel like if I let myself cry, I will never stop.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Day 3 so far

Yesterday was not so good. I am a stress eater and gave in and had some chocolate. ugh. We are all sick with colds so it was a long day.
I sent the Halloween candy to my husband's work so at least it's out of here. Today has been good so far though. I need to not worry about messing up and just keep going.
I've decided that I have to have fruit on this diet. I'm supposed to be eliminating anything that has sugar, natural or not. However, I am breastfeeding and figure that I need my fruit. Plus with all of the sickness going on around here, the vitamins etc will be helpful. This morning we had a strawberry-mango smoothie. It was yummy and totally satisfied my sugar craving.

I had pretty much decided that we would take my son and get him immunized against the H1N1 flu. We were going to go today, but now have to wait until this cold is gone. So I will probably change my mind a million more times.

It is supposed to be warm out today so we are going to get out and go for a nice long walk and maybe go to the park to play. Hoping today is a better day!

I think this is the longest I've gone without crying. It's been at least 5 days. Wonder what that means...

My son wanted to write a story too: (he's learning his letters)

Monday, November 2, 2009

Day 1

It's only 9:18am.
Day 1 of my sugar free diet. I am already craving it.
The Halloween candy is taunting me.
I want a cup of tea with milk and sugar. I want a lemon poppyseed muffin and toast with homemade strawberry jam.

I can do this. I have willpower. I am a bridesmaid in May. I can do this.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Another day without him

First Halloween without my dad. Not that Halloween was a big deal in our house, but he always liked giving out candy and counting how many kids came to the door each year.
Wish he was here to see how cool my son looks in his Batman costume and how adorable my daughter looks in her little Winnie-the-pooh outfit. And how creative my little sister is by dressing up as a mime. He would have loved that. He also probably would have been giving her all sorts of tips on how to act like a mime and how her makeup should be etc. He was always a very involved parent.

I seem to be measuring time by before he died and after. My niece's 1st birthday - he was here. Next weekend, for her 2nd, he won't be. It's so strange. He was here last Christmas, this one will be weird. I'm kind of dreading it. But it's also my daughter's first Christmas.

The past couple of days have been okay, maybe I'm accepting it better or maybe I'm avoiding thinking about it. I don't really know. But I do like not crying every time I think about him. Then I feel guilty. Which I know I shouldn't. The amount I have cried doesn't equal the amount I loved him. He would not want me to be sad all the time. He would hate that actually. It's so confusing.

Mourning is a tough process.

Sunday, October 25, 2009


I saw the headstone for the first time today. Went by myself to the graveyard. I know he's not there. I know he is happy in Heaven. I know all of this in my head. But I honestly don't care. I want him back here. I get really tired of hearing he's in a better place,he's with Jesus, he's not in pain, blah blah blah. I know people mean well, but I just don't want to hear those things. Some days they do help, and make it a bit easier but most days those things just annoy me.

The headstone doesn't say much. We had too much to put on there so just left it plain. Beloved husband, father, grandpa, son, brother, son-in-law, father-in-law, brother-in-law, uncle, friend, like a father, and on and on it goes. How do you sum up a life in a sentence?
For my dad, you cannot. He was so wonderful. I miss him. Reality sucks.

Friday, October 23, 2009

another jumble of thoughts

I have been missing my dad so much lately. Well actually I don't think the amount I miss him changes at all. It's the amount of time I have to think about it. The kids and I have been sick so have been stuck at home this week. I'm finding that not getting out and keeping busy makes a big difference with how I feel. It's going to be hard to get out a lot this winter with the threat of flues (is that how you spell it?) and colds etc. Especially since I've decided against the vaccines for our family. I will have to figure out something to keep me sane.

Recently, I have had a number of people let me know that they too are missing my dad and thinking of him and us too which has been so nice to hear. I think we all had been feeling like people just didn't want to talk about him because they didn't want to upset us or something like that. But just having someone say to me, "I miss your dad" is so meaningful. I know my mom feels like she is avoided now because people are glad they aren't in her situation. I don't think they do it on purpose, it's just a self preservation thing. So actually having someone acknowledge that he isn't around and that they are thinking of us or to just even mention his name is a good thing. He is still my dad and was a huge part of my life. I won't pretend that he didn't exist. I need to talk about him and I really feel like we all need to continue to talk about him with each other, especially my little sister.

Sometimes I worry that my depression is coming back. It's hard to know how much of this sadness is normal grieving and how much is not. I don't think it's normal when I feel paralyzed with sadness and can't even get the energy to clean my bathroom or walk downtown to get the mail or cook a meal. I know there really is no "normal" for grieving - it is a personal thing. But it's been almost 8 months. Maybe it's my normal...I don't know. I've never dealt with stress very well. Plus I have a three month old. I'll just use that as my excuse.

I've also been struggling with major anxiety lately. Driving with my kids makes me nervous, which hasn't been an issue for a long time. We went watersliding a couple of weeks ago and I could only take my son down twice. I got very nervous at the top and held onto his hand so tight I'm sure I was hurting him. I kept imagining him falling over the side. When my friend took him down, she held him up over the railing to wave at me, I could hardly stand it and had to tell her not to do that anymore. It literally makes me feel ill to remember that now. Again, maybe this is my "normal" response to stress and how I'm dealing with my issues. I don't know.

On another note, I was supposed to be getting another dishwasher next week to replace the dud that we bought in September. Got a phone call today and a man should be here this afternoon to install a brand new one! If that ACTUALLY happens and it ACTUALLY works, I will be very surprised and happy. We went last week and picked out a better model. We paid more but because we are getting $150 back for our "inconvenience" we thought it would make sense to put that back on to a better model. I have now paid for two dishwashers in the past four weeks. They won't refund me until the old one is out of our house. But I still had to pay for the new one even though it isn't in our house yet - make sense? not to me... oh well.

Some questions I've been asking myself lately :
Why does my three year old have six accidents one day and none the next?
Why does he wake up at 6am the day that I feel absolutely awful and could use some extra sleep?
Why does my baby cry when I am starting to wash some dishes or cook something?
Why am I the one who should be buying cat litter when I don't even know we need it? (it is my husband's official job to do cat litter)
Am I a bad mom for letting my son watch three movies in one day?
Why does my son ask for grilled cheese and then cry when it is set in front of him?
Why am I not losing this baby weight? (I actually know the answer to this one - I eat too much and am not exercising enough)
Why won't I exercise more?
Why oh why can't I just clean my house?
Why won't things stay clean when I actually DO clean them?
Why am I afraid of spiders and not ladybugs?
Why can't ladybugs come in my house instead of spiders?

Monday, October 19, 2009

6 Years Already?

Today is my sixth wedding anniversary. I cannot believe how fast that has gone.
I was 21, my husband was 23. We had a six week engagement.
Contrary to rumors,I was not pregnant (I actually believe in waiting until you're married, I was a virgin).

We just simply decided to get married. My husband had moved here from the East coast in April and we had pretty much thought we would get married the next summer. However, my brother and his girlfriend had just gotten engaged and planned to get married the next summer too and we thought two weddings in one family, in the same summer was a bit much. I was living with my parents, he in the city and it just seemed easiest and made sense financially to get married sooner. Most importantly we were in love, knew we were meant to be together and thought why not?

We had a great day, everything went well. I worked at a flower shop at that time so did all of my flowers. I hired my friend's mom to do the catering (desserts and specialty coffees). A good friend of ours got ordained for a week just to perform our wedding. Hired a co-worker of my mom's to take photos. My bridesmaids even had their dresses made! My in-laws made it out here for the weekend and met my parents for the first time. That was the only time our dad's met - but they hit it off great!

To this day, people talk about how fast our engagement was. It was great though! I don't think I could have handled a long engagement.

Six years, one house, two kids, three cats, four vehicles and a partridge in a pear tree!
We've survived being poor, new jobs, my depression, being far away from family and the loss of my dad. It hasn't always been easy or fun but we work on things together and are still very much in love.

Here's to 60 more!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Diswasher saga part 22

The first load is currently being washed. Two weeks later.
I am waiting for the phone call that the money is being put back on my credit card. Otherwise I will be waiting on hold for another hour to talk to customer service.
Why can't things be easy? Why didn't it just work to begin with? Because life is messy. And like I've said to many - my life is a metaphor. I am a dishwasher - meant to deal with dirty stuff.

For example, I am currently researching the H1N1 immunization. Wondering whether I should be giving it to my three year old. My baby is not old enough. I told my mother that there are articles and blogs and sites on the internet that support both sides. Who do you believe? Do you pray for protection and that your kids aren't exposed? Doesn't God give knowledge to health professionals? Is it being tested properly? Do more kids really die from vaccinations than the diseases themselves? I don't know the answers. I don't know if there is one answer. I will keep searching.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


I've only had a couple of dreams about my dad since he died. In them I usually don't know that he is gone.
Last night I dreamt we lived in our old house, on our acreage. My little sister was wandering around outside in the dark and I was trying to get her to come back. When she did, my dad was there. I really don't remember a lot after that, except that I gave him a hug and didn't want to let go and told him that I needed him. I think I knew he wasn't staying.
Sometimes I like dreaming about him because it seems so real, but I don't like waking up and remembering that he's not here.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Dishwasher saga part 9

Still not fixed. Talked to customer service for the umpteenth time today. He offered me $50 compensation. I said Not good enough, what's the best you can do for me? He said $150. I said, OK.
We shall see if it actually gets fixed today...

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


We moved our tv into a different room yesterday. It wasn't working properly and I just couldn't figure it out. Then I thought, "I should just call dad, he'll know what to do."

Later on, I was walking home from the post office with my son. We had run into a friend of my parents there and chatted a bit and heard some good news. I had the same thought, "I need to call dad and tell him."
Then I remembered that I can never call him again.

Why is my brain not working properly?

Monday, October 5, 2009

tomorrow, tomorrow

Last week I did not get my dishwasher. Well I did get it but it didn't work. Tomorrow the repair man is coming to fix the little part that is broken.
Will this be the end of my dishwashing saga?
tune in to find out...

Friday, October 2, 2009

Beauty from Ashes

Passage Isaiah 61:3:

To all who mourn in Israel,
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory.

I've always liked this verse but haven't really grasped it's meaning until now.

Had a good chat with my mother in law this morning. Won't go into details but it's just so interesting how God works. He's taken heartache and pain and made good from them. It's not that the ashes never existed, they aren't forgotten, but he has made something good rise from them. My daughter is an example of this beauty.

I miss my dad. I always will. But God can use this experience for good. It won't be that my pain never existed and I will never forget my dad or the sorrow that his dying caused. But I can try and help others who have gone through loss. Just like my mother in law has helped me.

After my dad died, my mom and I talked about how we now know how to help others deal with a death. Until you go through it you just don't know. The people that came and brought food and took care of all the little details were so awesome. They also cried with us - which was also helpful for some reason. I know our whole family was grateful for these people.

Now I know how to help others when a tragedy strikes. I also know that sometimes words don't mean anything and that sometimes it's better not to say anything at all then to say something trite. Sometime, just crying with the person who is sad is enough.

God knows what he's doing even when we don't. He can turn my mourning into joy and make something beautiful from the ashes.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Offically Fall

It is officially Fall and the start of cold season.
We all have colds in our house. Two sneezy, snotty kids. Two sneezy snotty, grumpy parents. But the daddy gets to escape to his office for the day. Lucky guy...

At least my kids aren't grumpy and whiny. Kids, unlike adults don't really notice that they are sick until there is a giant booger hanging out of their nose.
Adults, on the other hand usually get whiny and grumpy and need extra attention and just want to lie in bed all day. Unfortunately I don't have that option.
Oh well.

On another note: tomorrow my life as a dishwasher ends! We are getting a real, brand new dishwasher. It was on sale and we actually agreed on it! (We agreed on three different things that day - there must have been something in the air)
So today I will wash the pile of dishes on the counter and enjoy it! Well, probably not enjoy it but I will know that that is one of the last times I will have to do it so I will be filled with joy and anticipation! Or at least relief.

We had a nice weekend, even though we were all sick. We didn't worry about cleaning, laundry and dishes.(I have to say though that my husband did do a sinkload of dishes - thank you honey!) We watched tv, did some baking, relaxed and got along. We laughed at our kids and at each other. Last night my husband and I stuck our son in the bathtub, ate some jerk chicken nachos and watched "The Amazing Race". It was lovely.

So, I have realized my house will probably never be clean, there will be way too many loads of laundry to keep up with and that our toilet will always have to be wiped before I can sit down (my three year old son's aim is pretty good but he dribbles :) but I will have a dishwasher to do those dishes and more time to read stories to my kids and drive trucks around on the floor and play peek a boo. This is what I have realized my kids will remember. They won't remember if the house was dusted, or what brands of clothes they wore or if their food was organic or not.
They will remember if I was happy (which I am really trying to be - even though I don't feel like it somedays) and if I played with them and if I got along with their dad and if made them feel special. This is my goal.

I remember when I was a teenager, hearing someone say that if kids see their parents eyes light up when they walk into a room, they will know they are loved. I've never forgotten that.
That is the kind of parent I want to be.

Friday, September 25, 2009


I cannot even come close to articulating my thoughts today.
I miss my dad like crazy. I don't know why it's so hard right now. Most days these past couple of months have been ok. But the past couple of days I have been so sad and lonely and just wishing that things were different. I think maybe I'm finally realizing that he's not ever coming back. Ive known that's he's gone but maybe haven't really believed it. That doesn't make sense but there's no other way to put it. I think I've been waiting for him to show up. It's so weird.
Sad doesn't describe how I feel. I feel like part of me is missing.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

First birthday without my dad.
I miss him.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Check this out:


Friday, September 18, 2009

Unrealistic expectations:

Just one week later:

Nicole Richie steps out with Harlow one week postpartum — x17Online.com
(copy and paste - I can't get a link to work)


I usually don't read anything that has to do with celebrities - except one blog that always has interesting articles and links. Upon seeing that link I was just a bit irritated. No wonder we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves. If a celebrity can shed her baby weight that fast - so can we! right?
Of course she probably has a nanny to help with the older child. A baby nurse to look after the baby at night. A maid to clean her house. A chef to cook nutritious meals. And a personal trainer to get rid of that baby bulge.
It it ridiculous to expect anyone to be back to "normal" that soon after giving birth. No one should expect it and a celebrity certainly shouldn't be praised for doing it. This just causes us to feel worse about ourselves, which we don't need when we are sleep deprived and hormonal.

Five weeks after giving birth someone commented that when I wanted to start working on my stomach, situps would be useful. Can I just enjoy my baby without having to worry about what my stomach looks like? I was stressed enough. That added pressure didn't help anything and only served to frustrate me.

Of course I would like to be back to "normal" (actually I would like to be back at the weight I was when I was 21. I digress...) But I would like to stay sane in the process.

One nurse said to me "Remember, it takes nine months to gain the weight, so it should take at least nine months to get rid of it." Good advice that every new mom should be given.

The main point (which my aunt is very keen on) is to be healthy. Weight/size shouldn't be the issue. I am breastfeeding (which is a whole other post) and cannot diet.

I know I could be eating a bit healthier but I do a pretty good job most of the time. Eating healthy is a big deal for me because I have a three year old who needs it. (more post material) I get a bit of exercise chasing after my son and going for walks but could be doing more of that too. The thing is having TIME to do it. When both kids are napping (which is a rare occurence) I do not want to be doing situps. I want to read a book or check my email or blog! I want to enjoy my kids, not constantly be thinking about how fat I am when I am holding them or playing with them.

I need to worry less about this. I need to concentrate on being a good mom. I need to just be healthy and not think about what the scale says. I need to remember that my husband doesn't care about the way I look and loves me just as much as he always has and that he is the only one whose opinion I should care about anyway.

I need to remember all of this when I see photos of skinny Hollywood moms. Better yet I need to not even look at the photos.

*for the record*
In the previous blog when stating all of the things that I "should be" I was being caustic. Obviously I don't expect to be any of those things. I was just trying to get the point across that this is what is the perfect mom is. Of course in a perfect world I would like to be all of those things. But I understand that this is unrealistic. Those are the ideal today and I know that no one actually expects me to be any of those things. It is not feasible. There are so many unrealistic expectations out there and I was trying to say that what "society" expects is not reasonable and that striving to be any of those things will only drive you crazy. I was simply feeling overwhelmed with everything that was being pushed at me and felt like I wasn't even coming close to accomplishing a fraction of what I should have.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

This morning I am ignoring dishes and heading over to a friends house. Our boys will play and I will get a chance to visit with another adult. The house can wait - no one will see it but my husband and myself and he could care less. And I know that it will eventually get done. *deep breath - relax*

Thanks for your encouraging words. A little note goes a long way. I know my wonderful mother-in-law (and others)is always praying for my family and I. I know I am not alone either. Everyone has lots going on in their lives and some even have more kids than I. (K.B - you are amazing) Seeing my mother be a single parent at this stage in her life is also very encouraging - she is a brave wonderful woman and has gone through more than I can imagine and has survived, faith intact. And I know that my friends are there for me - even though we are all busy.

So I am looking forward to the weekend. Spending time with my family, maybe working on our yard, going to "cheech" (church) as my son calls it, and having a little birthday celebration with some friends.

Now to change a diaper,get two kids ready, pack a bag and leave in the next hour...can it be done?

Monday, September 14, 2009

Jumble of thoughts

Feeling a little overwhelmed lately.

I should be:

Model thin already - after all my baby is two months old.

The perfect mother - no yelling, no getting frustrated when I get asked the same question over and over again. My three year old should be a genius. He should be reading and writing books by this point. Or at the very least be able to write his own name. My baby should be on a schedule and sleeping through the night.

A better wife - no nagging, no resentment. I should tell my husband how much I appreciate him going to work everyday to support us. I should cook his favourite foods and iron his shirts and know everything that is going on in his workplace.

A better Christian - we should be attending church every Sunday, (this is the plan but it often doesn't happen) teaching Sunday school and be involved in numerous groups. I should be praising God, not questioning, and not angry.

A healthy person - cooking nutritious meals, getting all the food groups in. No processed foods - just local, organic homemade food.

Taking pictures of my kids daily and documenting everything that they do. Then scrapbooking it all.

Keeping my house clean. And not just regular clean but environmentally clean. No toxins or chemicals - everything I use should be safe and not cause cancer.

My house should be in perfect order - after all I am home all day long. Laundry should be put away and all areas should be dust and clutter free.

I am not any of these things. And striving right now is driving me crazy and only making me more grumpy and less of a good person. I know I will be a better mother and wife if I just relax a bit and not stress about the little things but it is hard when you are bombarded everyday by ads and tv shows telling you that you can have it all.I love my life - I really do. I know how blessed I am, but lately I just feel like I can't keep up. I do not know how people do it.

Friday, September 11, 2009

I need to be:

  /ˈfrugəl/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [froo-guhl] Show IPA

1. economical in use or expenditure; prudently saving or sparing; not wasteful: a frugal manager.
2. entailing little expense; requiring few resources; meager; scanty: a frugal meal.
1590–1600; < L frūgālis economical, equiv. to frūg- (s. of frūx produce, fruit ) + -ālis -al 1

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


6 months ago today my heart was broken.
6 months ago my dad died.

I will never forget (although I wish I could) the frantic phone call at 4 am from my mom. Driving to my parents house, calling my brother and telling him to get to the hospital. Begging God not to take him. Calling my best friend and leaving a message on her answering machine. Holding my little sister. My mom calling to tell me he was gone and to call their pastor. Crying on the kitchen floor. Having to tell my sister that dad was dead. My husband hugging me. My son looking at me. Driving with my parent's pastor and his wife to the hospital. Seeing my dad lying in that bed. Repeating dad over and over again. Thinking he looked like he should just wake up. Not wanting to ever leave him.

I was the last person to leave the room. It was so hard to walk away knowing that I wouldn't see him again.

He had just joked around with me two days before in the hospital. He'd had a routine surgery and my husband and I went to visit. We laughed about a Jeep he had secretly bought and not told my mom about. I was pregnant and the baby was kicking like crazy. I got my dad some ice to eat. I promised I would make him some banana walnut muffins for when he got home. He hadn't eaten for days and was dreaming about an A&W burger. Gave him some vaseline to put on his nose because it was so hot and dry in the room. Gave him a hug and a kiss and walked out. not having the slightest clue that this would be the last time I would get to do those things.
My daughter never got to meet my dad. My son will only have faint memories of him, even though they were very close. My sister won't have her dad for the hardest part of her growing up years. My brother lost the biggest influence in his life. My mom lost her best friend. My husband lost one like a father to him, and his joking buddy (they had the same sense of humor). My nieces and nephew lost their Grandpa who actually got down on the floor to play. I lost my hero, the one who could do anything, knew everything and would do anything for me.
Six months goes by very fast. But very slow. So much has happened but it feels like I just saw him yesterday and he should be calling me to tell me what else I should be doing with my house or to ask me a question or to listen to the latest antic my son had pulled. Most days I still don't believe it. Every morning I have to remind myself that he's gone. Every morning it's like a kick in the face when I realize I won't be seeing him again. Every morning I wish things were different. Some days are easier than others. Keeping busy is a good thing. Looking at my daughter's smiles and listening to my son singing remind me that life is good. But it is still hard.
My heart is healing slowly but surely.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

A definition:

  /grif/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [greef] Show IPA

1. keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.
2. a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow.
3. come to grief, to suffer disappointment, misfortune, or other trouble; fail: Their marriage came to grief after only two years.
4. good grief, (used as an exclamation of dismay, surprise, or relief): Good grief, it's started to rain again!

Here goes

Here's my new blog. It was time for a change.
I should really be washing my dishes right now but because both of my kids are napping - I'm taking a bit of "me" time.
I despise washing dishes. It gives me too much time to think. Right now I want to keep busy and not have time to think about all that has happened in my life the past 6 months.
But they need to be done. Why? Because I do not have a dishwasher and because my family needs dishes to eat off of. And because I need to be a grown up and take care of my house. And I guess I need to think about the things I don't want to think about.
So I guess Washing Dishes is a metaphor for my life. Cleaning up. Making fresh. Dealing with things I don't want to. And learning how to move on. Not forget. Not ignore. But to wash them up even though they are just going to get dirty again.

I want this blog to be a place where I can sift through my thoughts. Deal with my grief of losing my dad, my anger with God, talk about marriage, parenthood, living frugally, eating and cooking nutritiously and living life these days.

Baby's awake. Guess those dishes will have to wait...