Monday, September 28, 2009

Offically Fall

It is officially Fall and the start of cold season.
We all have colds in our house. Two sneezy, snotty kids. Two sneezy snotty, grumpy parents. But the daddy gets to escape to his office for the day. Lucky guy...

At least my kids aren't grumpy and whiny. Kids, unlike adults don't really notice that they are sick until there is a giant booger hanging out of their nose.
Adults, on the other hand usually get whiny and grumpy and need extra attention and just want to lie in bed all day. Unfortunately I don't have that option.
Oh well.

On another note: tomorrow my life as a dishwasher ends! We are getting a real, brand new dishwasher. It was on sale and we actually agreed on it! (We agreed on three different things that day - there must have been something in the air)
So today I will wash the pile of dishes on the counter and enjoy it! Well, probably not enjoy it but I will know that that is one of the last times I will have to do it so I will be filled with joy and anticipation! Or at least relief.

We had a nice weekend, even though we were all sick. We didn't worry about cleaning, laundry and dishes.(I have to say though that my husband did do a sinkload of dishes - thank you honey!) We watched tv, did some baking, relaxed and got along. We laughed at our kids and at each other. Last night my husband and I stuck our son in the bathtub, ate some jerk chicken nachos and watched "The Amazing Race". It was lovely.

So, I have realized my house will probably never be clean, there will be way too many loads of laundry to keep up with and that our toilet will always have to be wiped before I can sit down (my three year old son's aim is pretty good but he dribbles :) but I will have a dishwasher to do those dishes and more time to read stories to my kids and drive trucks around on the floor and play peek a boo. This is what I have realized my kids will remember. They won't remember if the house was dusted, or what brands of clothes they wore or if their food was organic or not.
They will remember if I was happy (which I am really trying to be - even though I don't feel like it somedays) and if I played with them and if I got along with their dad and if made them feel special. This is my goal.

I remember when I was a teenager, hearing someone say that if kids see their parents eyes light up when they walk into a room, they will know they are loved. I've never forgotten that.
That is the kind of parent I want to be.

Friday, September 25, 2009


I cannot even come close to articulating my thoughts today.
I miss my dad like crazy. I don't know why it's so hard right now. Most days these past couple of months have been ok. But the past couple of days I have been so sad and lonely and just wishing that things were different. I think maybe I'm finally realizing that he's not ever coming back. Ive known that's he's gone but maybe haven't really believed it. That doesn't make sense but there's no other way to put it. I think I've been waiting for him to show up. It's so weird.
Sad doesn't describe how I feel. I feel like part of me is missing.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

First birthday without my dad.
I miss him.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Check this out:

Friday, September 18, 2009

Unrealistic expectations:

Just one week later:

Nicole Richie steps out with Harlow one week postpartum —
(copy and paste - I can't get a link to work)

I usually don't read anything that has to do with celebrities - except one blog that always has interesting articles and links. Upon seeing that link I was just a bit irritated. No wonder we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves. If a celebrity can shed her baby weight that fast - so can we! right?
Of course she probably has a nanny to help with the older child. A baby nurse to look after the baby at night. A maid to clean her house. A chef to cook nutritious meals. And a personal trainer to get rid of that baby bulge.
It it ridiculous to expect anyone to be back to "normal" that soon after giving birth. No one should expect it and a celebrity certainly shouldn't be praised for doing it. This just causes us to feel worse about ourselves, which we don't need when we are sleep deprived and hormonal.

Five weeks after giving birth someone commented that when I wanted to start working on my stomach, situps would be useful. Can I just enjoy my baby without having to worry about what my stomach looks like? I was stressed enough. That added pressure didn't help anything and only served to frustrate me.

Of course I would like to be back to "normal" (actually I would like to be back at the weight I was when I was 21. I digress...) But I would like to stay sane in the process.

One nurse said to me "Remember, it takes nine months to gain the weight, so it should take at least nine months to get rid of it." Good advice that every new mom should be given.

The main point (which my aunt is very keen on) is to be healthy. Weight/size shouldn't be the issue. I am breastfeeding (which is a whole other post) and cannot diet.

I know I could be eating a bit healthier but I do a pretty good job most of the time. Eating healthy is a big deal for me because I have a three year old who needs it. (more post material) I get a bit of exercise chasing after my son and going for walks but could be doing more of that too. The thing is having TIME to do it. When both kids are napping (which is a rare occurence) I do not want to be doing situps. I want to read a book or check my email or blog! I want to enjoy my kids, not constantly be thinking about how fat I am when I am holding them or playing with them.

I need to worry less about this. I need to concentrate on being a good mom. I need to just be healthy and not think about what the scale says. I need to remember that my husband doesn't care about the way I look and loves me just as much as he always has and that he is the only one whose opinion I should care about anyway.

I need to remember all of this when I see photos of skinny Hollywood moms. Better yet I need to not even look at the photos.

*for the record*
In the previous blog when stating all of the things that I "should be" I was being caustic. Obviously I don't expect to be any of those things. I was just trying to get the point across that this is what is the perfect mom is. Of course in a perfect world I would like to be all of those things. But I understand that this is unrealistic. Those are the ideal today and I know that no one actually expects me to be any of those things. It is not feasible. There are so many unrealistic expectations out there and I was trying to say that what "society" expects is not reasonable and that striving to be any of those things will only drive you crazy. I was simply feeling overwhelmed with everything that was being pushed at me and felt like I wasn't even coming close to accomplishing a fraction of what I should have.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

This morning I am ignoring dishes and heading over to a friends house. Our boys will play and I will get a chance to visit with another adult. The house can wait - no one will see it but my husband and myself and he could care less. And I know that it will eventually get done. *deep breath - relax*

Thanks for your encouraging words. A little note goes a long way. I know my wonderful mother-in-law (and others)is always praying for my family and I. I know I am not alone either. Everyone has lots going on in their lives and some even have more kids than I. (K.B - you are amazing) Seeing my mother be a single parent at this stage in her life is also very encouraging - she is a brave wonderful woman and has gone through more than I can imagine and has survived, faith intact. And I know that my friends are there for me - even though we are all busy.

So I am looking forward to the weekend. Spending time with my family, maybe working on our yard, going to "cheech" (church) as my son calls it, and having a little birthday celebration with some friends.

Now to change a diaper,get two kids ready, pack a bag and leave in the next hour...can it be done?

Monday, September 14, 2009

Jumble of thoughts

Feeling a little overwhelmed lately.

I should be:

Model thin already - after all my baby is two months old.

The perfect mother - no yelling, no getting frustrated when I get asked the same question over and over again. My three year old should be a genius. He should be reading and writing books by this point. Or at the very least be able to write his own name. My baby should be on a schedule and sleeping through the night.

A better wife - no nagging, no resentment. I should tell my husband how much I appreciate him going to work everyday to support us. I should cook his favourite foods and iron his shirts and know everything that is going on in his workplace.

A better Christian - we should be attending church every Sunday, (this is the plan but it often doesn't happen) teaching Sunday school and be involved in numerous groups. I should be praising God, not questioning, and not angry.

A healthy person - cooking nutritious meals, getting all the food groups in. No processed foods - just local, organic homemade food.

Taking pictures of my kids daily and documenting everything that they do. Then scrapbooking it all.

Keeping my house clean. And not just regular clean but environmentally clean. No toxins or chemicals - everything I use should be safe and not cause cancer.

My house should be in perfect order - after all I am home all day long. Laundry should be put away and all areas should be dust and clutter free.

I am not any of these things. And striving right now is driving me crazy and only making me more grumpy and less of a good person. I know I will be a better mother and wife if I just relax a bit and not stress about the little things but it is hard when you are bombarded everyday by ads and tv shows telling you that you can have it all.I love my life - I really do. I know how blessed I am, but lately I just feel like I can't keep up. I do not know how people do it.

Friday, September 11, 2009

I need to be:

  /ˈfrugəl/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [froo-guhl] Show IPA

1. economical in use or expenditure; prudently saving or sparing; not wasteful: a frugal manager.
2. entailing little expense; requiring few resources; meager; scanty: a frugal meal.
1590–1600; < L frūgālis economical, equiv. to frūg- (s. of frūx produce, fruit ) + -ālis -al 1

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


6 months ago today my heart was broken.
6 months ago my dad died.

I will never forget (although I wish I could) the frantic phone call at 4 am from my mom. Driving to my parents house, calling my brother and telling him to get to the hospital. Begging God not to take him. Calling my best friend and leaving a message on her answering machine. Holding my little sister. My mom calling to tell me he was gone and to call their pastor. Crying on the kitchen floor. Having to tell my sister that dad was dead. My husband hugging me. My son looking at me. Driving with my parent's pastor and his wife to the hospital. Seeing my dad lying in that bed. Repeating dad over and over again. Thinking he looked like he should just wake up. Not wanting to ever leave him.

I was the last person to leave the room. It was so hard to walk away knowing that I wouldn't see him again.

He had just joked around with me two days before in the hospital. He'd had a routine surgery and my husband and I went to visit. We laughed about a Jeep he had secretly bought and not told my mom about. I was pregnant and the baby was kicking like crazy. I got my dad some ice to eat. I promised I would make him some banana walnut muffins for when he got home. He hadn't eaten for days and was dreaming about an A&W burger. Gave him some vaseline to put on his nose because it was so hot and dry in the room. Gave him a hug and a kiss and walked out. not having the slightest clue that this would be the last time I would get to do those things.
My daughter never got to meet my dad. My son will only have faint memories of him, even though they were very close. My sister won't have her dad for the hardest part of her growing up years. My brother lost the biggest influence in his life. My mom lost her best friend. My husband lost one like a father to him, and his joking buddy (they had the same sense of humor). My nieces and nephew lost their Grandpa who actually got down on the floor to play. I lost my hero, the one who could do anything, knew everything and would do anything for me.
Six months goes by very fast. But very slow. So much has happened but it feels like I just saw him yesterday and he should be calling me to tell me what else I should be doing with my house or to ask me a question or to listen to the latest antic my son had pulled. Most days I still don't believe it. Every morning I have to remind myself that he's gone. Every morning it's like a kick in the face when I realize I won't be seeing him again. Every morning I wish things were different. Some days are easier than others. Keeping busy is a good thing. Looking at my daughter's smiles and listening to my son singing remind me that life is good. But it is still hard.
My heart is healing slowly but surely.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

A definition:

  /grif/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [greef] Show IPA

1. keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.
2. a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow.
3. come to grief, to suffer disappointment, misfortune, or other trouble; fail: Their marriage came to grief after only two years.
4. good grief, (used as an exclamation of dismay, surprise, or relief): Good grief, it's started to rain again!

Here goes

Here's my new blog. It was time for a change.
I should really be washing my dishes right now but because both of my kids are napping - I'm taking a bit of "me" time.
I despise washing dishes. It gives me too much time to think. Right now I want to keep busy and not have time to think about all that has happened in my life the past 6 months.
But they need to be done. Why? Because I do not have a dishwasher and because my family needs dishes to eat off of. And because I need to be a grown up and take care of my house. And I guess I need to think about the things I don't want to think about.
So I guess Washing Dishes is a metaphor for my life. Cleaning up. Making fresh. Dealing with things I don't want to. And learning how to move on. Not forget. Not ignore. But to wash them up even though they are just going to get dirty again.

I want this blog to be a place where I can sift through my thoughts. Deal with my grief of losing my dad, my anger with God, talk about marriage, parenthood, living frugally, eating and cooking nutritiously and living life these days.

Baby's awake. Guess those dishes will have to wait...