I have been missing my dad so much lately. Well actually I don't think the amount I miss him changes at all. It's the amount of time I have to think about it. The kids and I have been sick so have been stuck at home this week. I'm finding that not getting out and keeping busy makes a big difference with how I feel. It's going to be hard to get out a lot this winter with the threat of flues (is that how you spell it?) and colds etc. Especially since I've decided against the vaccines for our family. I will have to figure out something to keep me sane.
Recently, I have had a number of people let me know that they too are missing my dad and thinking of him and us too which has been so nice to hear. I think we all had been feeling like people just didn't want to talk about him because they didn't want to upset us or something like that. But just having someone say to me, "I miss your dad" is so meaningful. I know my mom feels like she is avoided now because people are glad they aren't in her situation. I don't think they do it on purpose, it's just a self preservation thing. So actually having someone acknowledge that he isn't around and that they are thinking of us or to just even mention his name is a good thing. He is still my dad and was a huge part of my life. I won't pretend that he didn't exist. I need to talk about him and I really feel like we all need to continue to talk about him with each other, especially my little sister.
Sometimes I worry that my depression is coming back. It's hard to know how much of this sadness is normal grieving and how much is not. I don't think it's normal when I feel paralyzed with sadness and can't even get the energy to clean my bathroom or walk downtown to get the mail or cook a meal. I know there really is no "normal" for grieving - it is a personal thing. But it's been almost 8 months. Maybe it's my normal...I don't know. I've never dealt with stress very well. Plus I have a three month old. I'll just use that as my excuse.
I've also been struggling with major anxiety lately. Driving with my kids makes me nervous, which hasn't been an issue for a long time. We went watersliding a couple of weeks ago and I could only take my son down twice. I got very nervous at the top and held onto his hand so tight I'm sure I was hurting him. I kept imagining him falling over the side. When my friend took him down, she held him up over the railing to wave at me, I could hardly stand it and had to tell her not to do that anymore. It literally makes me feel ill to remember that now. Again, maybe this is my "normal" response to stress and how I'm dealing with my issues. I don't know.
On another note, I was supposed to be getting another dishwasher next week to replace the dud that we bought in September. Got a phone call today and a man should be here this afternoon to install a brand new one! If that ACTUALLY happens and it ACTUALLY works, I will be very surprised and happy. We went last week and picked out a better model. We paid more but because we are getting $150 back for our "inconvenience" we thought it would make sense to put that back on to a better model. I have now paid for two dishwashers in the past four weeks. They won't refund me until the old one is out of our house. But I still had to pay for the new one even though it isn't in our house yet - make sense? not to me... oh well.
Some questions I've been asking myself lately :
Why does my three year old have six accidents one day and none the next?
Why does he wake up at 6am the day that I feel absolutely awful and could use some extra sleep?
Why does my baby cry when I am starting to wash some dishes or cook something?
Why am I the one who should be buying cat litter when I don't even know we need it? (it is my husband's official job to do cat litter)
Am I a bad mom for letting my son watch three movies in one day?
Why does my son ask for grilled cheese and then cry when it is set in front of him?
Why am I not losing this baby weight? (I actually know the answer to this one - I eat too much and am not exercising enough)
Why won't I exercise more?
Why oh why can't I just clean my house?
Why won't things stay clean when I actually DO clean them?
Why am I afraid of spiders and not ladybugs?
Why can't ladybugs come in my house instead of spiders?
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You have gone through so much in these past months and it is normal to feel like you do. It is overwhelming to imagine it let alone live it. You are doing amazingly well, so be patient with the process and yourself. I pray for you that God will hold you close and you will feel His love and comfort. Loretta
ReplyDeleteHi Dana, just wanted you to know, that I have had some of those same feelings too, you are not alone, if you ever want to talk, or walk, give me a call. Joanne N.
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