Sunday, April 25, 2010

brick wall

Today my son randomly said something about Papa being dead and why was Papa dead, how did it happen and on and on.
I was in the other room and my husband was a bit shocked but managed to say something about Papa's body not working properly and he died and now he was in Heaven. I, of course got all choked up.

It never ends. When you think you are managing a bit better and that life is moving on a bit, just one question brings you back to the start.
I honestly was almost starting to feel like my old self again lately. I've been keeping busy and have felt happy and have been getting things done.
I guess this will come and go.
But today I am angry.
This is not fair.
I am too young to not have a dad. My kids need a grandpa close to them. My mom needs her husband. My sister needs her daddy. My husband needs a Godly man around. My brother needs him. We all need him. And he's gone.

My dear friend is getting married soon. She was like another daughter to him. He would have really enjoyed knowing she met a wonderful guy. Another dear friend just had a baby. Another had twins. Good friends of his just became grandparents. My dad would have been so happy to hear the news.

I know all the Biblical answers. God's timing and how our days are numbered from the start, and how this is in the Master Plan. But right now I am struggling to understand how anything good can possibly come out of this.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Life these days.

So much to write, so little time.
Life is busy busy. Babies have been born. (with at least 9 more on the way!) Weddings happening soon. Kids are keeping me on my toes. Trying to get our yard looking half decent. Trying to get our house in order after recently doing some renos (which still need to get finished). Getting rid of baby clothes and accessories feels rather good!

I am loving the nice weather. And missing my dad these days. He would be outside almost non-stop once the weather turned nice. He would be telling us what we should be doing in our yard and planning what to do next in theirs. He would already have his dark brown tan that he got every year. He would be building something fun for my son and all the other kids to play on. And he would be doing lots of BBQ ing :)

My GriefShare group will be done next week. I feel as though I've come a long way in the past four months. Of course the pain won't ever be gone. But managing it is better I guess.
This past year has been a huge test of faith for me. I think I've survived, a bit stronger than I thought I was. And maybe I'll be able to articulate my thoughts at some point. But for now, all I can say is that if I wasn't completely sure I needed Jesus in my life before I do now. I do not know how those who grieve can do it without the assurance that their loved ones are in Heaven. I could go on and on. But I am not one to push my faith in one's face.
I am still grieving. Will never stop grieving. But I mourn with Hope. And that is what keeps me going day after day.

Saturday, April 3, 2010


A couple of weeks ago I went to the chiropractor. I thought my tailbone was broken from childbirth and so she asked about my birth experiences. (turns out my back pain is my SI joint stuck in place from both pregnancies - painful but getting better)
I told her that with my first I had a long labour and eventually had an epidural and IV drugs to speed up my labour. With my second baby, I had a pretty short labour and drug free delivery. She then said, "You sound disappointed that you had an epidural, why is that?"
At this point I got a bit choked up and explained what had happened with my first delivery.
I totally had not realized how emotional I was about my son's birth!

I was 23 years old. Had a birthplan that was pretty much disregarded. My water had broken, I had been in labour for 12 hours and was basically forced into having an epidural. (or so I feel - emotions run high when you're in labour) The only reason I was listened to at all was that my mom was with us and is a nurse.

I had made up my mind when I was pregnant not to be a martyr and to get drugs if I felt I needed them. However, this was not supported by the nurses that I had for my labour. They kept telling me that I should just get an epidural. They were not very supportive of alternative methods. I am so thankful that my husband and mom were there to speak for me. It would have been an even more negative experience had they not.

When I wasn't dilating fast enough, I was told that my labour could take another 12-24 hours and that getting IV drugs (sintocin) and an epidural would speed things up.
At this point, I was exhausted, discouraged and felt like I really couldn't do it any longer (with little encouragement to just keep going, I guess I gave up) I just wanted to see my baby. I was given the epidural and he was born a short time later. My doctor barely made it to his delivery.
As it happens, my son's heart rate dropped when I was pushing and they had to use the vacuum to try to get him out. He then turned a bit, tore me with his shoulder and I was able to push him out.
In the long run I am thankful that my son was healthy. That is the most important thing.
Maybe I would have decided to have the epidural on my own, and that's okay, but the fact that I felt pressured into it left me feeling sad and a bit powerless.
I still have resentful feelings towards the staff that was there when he was born and am a bit negative about his birth. My husband and I felt patronized a lot throughout our hospital stay and were thankful when we were able to come home and learn to look after our baby ourselves, our own way.

Thankfully I had a better experience with my daughter's birth (even with some awful staff again). I was able to deliver her with no drugs and feel like I recovered a lot more quickly.

I am not adamantly against drugs and interventions for childbirth. They have their place - when needed. I just feel like some doctors and nurses are too pushy and really need to take a step back and listen to the person who is giving birth. Women have been giving birth for thousands of years - our bodies know what to do. Yes it is painful but it doesn't last and at the end you have a beautiful baby to hold on to.