Saturday, October 31, 2009

Another day without him

First Halloween without my dad. Not that Halloween was a big deal in our house, but he always liked giving out candy and counting how many kids came to the door each year.
Wish he was here to see how cool my son looks in his Batman costume and how adorable my daughter looks in her little Winnie-the-pooh outfit. And how creative my little sister is by dressing up as a mime. He would have loved that. He also probably would have been giving her all sorts of tips on how to act like a mime and how her makeup should be etc. He was always a very involved parent.

I seem to be measuring time by before he died and after. My niece's 1st birthday - he was here. Next weekend, for her 2nd, he won't be. It's so strange. He was here last Christmas, this one will be weird. I'm kind of dreading it. But it's also my daughter's first Christmas.

The past couple of days have been okay, maybe I'm accepting it better or maybe I'm avoiding thinking about it. I don't really know. But I do like not crying every time I think about him. Then I feel guilty. Which I know I shouldn't. The amount I have cried doesn't equal the amount I loved him. He would not want me to be sad all the time. He would hate that actually. It's so confusing.

Mourning is a tough process.

Sunday, October 25, 2009


I saw the headstone for the first time today. Went by myself to the graveyard. I know he's not there. I know he is happy in Heaven. I know all of this in my head. But I honestly don't care. I want him back here. I get really tired of hearing he's in a better place,he's with Jesus, he's not in pain, blah blah blah. I know people mean well, but I just don't want to hear those things. Some days they do help, and make it a bit easier but most days those things just annoy me.

The headstone doesn't say much. We had too much to put on there so just left it plain. Beloved husband, father, grandpa, son, brother, son-in-law, father-in-law, brother-in-law, uncle, friend, like a father, and on and on it goes. How do you sum up a life in a sentence?
For my dad, you cannot. He was so wonderful. I miss him. Reality sucks.

Friday, October 23, 2009

another jumble of thoughts

I have been missing my dad so much lately. Well actually I don't think the amount I miss him changes at all. It's the amount of time I have to think about it. The kids and I have been sick so have been stuck at home this week. I'm finding that not getting out and keeping busy makes a big difference with how I feel. It's going to be hard to get out a lot this winter with the threat of flues (is that how you spell it?) and colds etc. Especially since I've decided against the vaccines for our family. I will have to figure out something to keep me sane.

Recently, I have had a number of people let me know that they too are missing my dad and thinking of him and us too which has been so nice to hear. I think we all had been feeling like people just didn't want to talk about him because they didn't want to upset us or something like that. But just having someone say to me, "I miss your dad" is so meaningful. I know my mom feels like she is avoided now because people are glad they aren't in her situation. I don't think they do it on purpose, it's just a self preservation thing. So actually having someone acknowledge that he isn't around and that they are thinking of us or to just even mention his name is a good thing. He is still my dad and was a huge part of my life. I won't pretend that he didn't exist. I need to talk about him and I really feel like we all need to continue to talk about him with each other, especially my little sister.

Sometimes I worry that my depression is coming back. It's hard to know how much of this sadness is normal grieving and how much is not. I don't think it's normal when I feel paralyzed with sadness and can't even get the energy to clean my bathroom or walk downtown to get the mail or cook a meal. I know there really is no "normal" for grieving - it is a personal thing. But it's been almost 8 months. Maybe it's my normal...I don't know. I've never dealt with stress very well. Plus I have a three month old. I'll just use that as my excuse.

I've also been struggling with major anxiety lately. Driving with my kids makes me nervous, which hasn't been an issue for a long time. We went watersliding a couple of weeks ago and I could only take my son down twice. I got very nervous at the top and held onto his hand so tight I'm sure I was hurting him. I kept imagining him falling over the side. When my friend took him down, she held him up over the railing to wave at me, I could hardly stand it and had to tell her not to do that anymore. It literally makes me feel ill to remember that now. Again, maybe this is my "normal" response to stress and how I'm dealing with my issues. I don't know.

On another note, I was supposed to be getting another dishwasher next week to replace the dud that we bought in September. Got a phone call today and a man should be here this afternoon to install a brand new one! If that ACTUALLY happens and it ACTUALLY works, I will be very surprised and happy. We went last week and picked out a better model. We paid more but because we are getting $150 back for our "inconvenience" we thought it would make sense to put that back on to a better model. I have now paid for two dishwashers in the past four weeks. They won't refund me until the old one is out of our house. But I still had to pay for the new one even though it isn't in our house yet - make sense? not to me... oh well.

Some questions I've been asking myself lately :
Why does my three year old have six accidents one day and none the next?
Why does he wake up at 6am the day that I feel absolutely awful and could use some extra sleep?
Why does my baby cry when I am starting to wash some dishes or cook something?
Why am I the one who should be buying cat litter when I don't even know we need it? (it is my husband's official job to do cat litter)
Am I a bad mom for letting my son watch three movies in one day?
Why does my son ask for grilled cheese and then cry when it is set in front of him?
Why am I not losing this baby weight? (I actually know the answer to this one - I eat too much and am not exercising enough)
Why won't I exercise more?
Why oh why can't I just clean my house?
Why won't things stay clean when I actually DO clean them?
Why am I afraid of spiders and not ladybugs?
Why can't ladybugs come in my house instead of spiders?

Monday, October 19, 2009

6 Years Already?

Today is my sixth wedding anniversary. I cannot believe how fast that has gone.
I was 21, my husband was 23. We had a six week engagement.
Contrary to rumors,I was not pregnant (I actually believe in waiting until you're married, I was a virgin).

We just simply decided to get married. My husband had moved here from the East coast in April and we had pretty much thought we would get married the next summer. However, my brother and his girlfriend had just gotten engaged and planned to get married the next summer too and we thought two weddings in one family, in the same summer was a bit much. I was living with my parents, he in the city and it just seemed easiest and made sense financially to get married sooner. Most importantly we were in love, knew we were meant to be together and thought why not?

We had a great day, everything went well. I worked at a flower shop at that time so did all of my flowers. I hired my friend's mom to do the catering (desserts and specialty coffees). A good friend of ours got ordained for a week just to perform our wedding. Hired a co-worker of my mom's to take photos. My bridesmaids even had their dresses made! My in-laws made it out here for the weekend and met my parents for the first time. That was the only time our dad's met - but they hit it off great!

To this day, people talk about how fast our engagement was. It was great though! I don't think I could have handled a long engagement.

Six years, one house, two kids, three cats, four vehicles and a partridge in a pear tree!
We've survived being poor, new jobs, my depression, being far away from family and the loss of my dad. It hasn't always been easy or fun but we work on things together and are still very much in love.

Here's to 60 more!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Diswasher saga part 22

The first load is currently being washed. Two weeks later.
I am waiting for the phone call that the money is being put back on my credit card. Otherwise I will be waiting on hold for another hour to talk to customer service.
Why can't things be easy? Why didn't it just work to begin with? Because life is messy. And like I've said to many - my life is a metaphor. I am a dishwasher - meant to deal with dirty stuff.

For example, I am currently researching the H1N1 immunization. Wondering whether I should be giving it to my three year old. My baby is not old enough. I told my mother that there are articles and blogs and sites on the internet that support both sides. Who do you believe? Do you pray for protection and that your kids aren't exposed? Doesn't God give knowledge to health professionals? Is it being tested properly? Do more kids really die from vaccinations than the diseases themselves? I don't know the answers. I don't know if there is one answer. I will keep searching.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


I've only had a couple of dreams about my dad since he died. In them I usually don't know that he is gone.
Last night I dreamt we lived in our old house, on our acreage. My little sister was wandering around outside in the dark and I was trying to get her to come back. When she did, my dad was there. I really don't remember a lot after that, except that I gave him a hug and didn't want to let go and told him that I needed him. I think I knew he wasn't staying.
Sometimes I like dreaming about him because it seems so real, but I don't like waking up and remembering that he's not here.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Dishwasher saga part 9

Still not fixed. Talked to customer service for the umpteenth time today. He offered me $50 compensation. I said Not good enough, what's the best you can do for me? He said $150. I said, OK.
We shall see if it actually gets fixed today...

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


We moved our tv into a different room yesterday. It wasn't working properly and I just couldn't figure it out. Then I thought, "I should just call dad, he'll know what to do."

Later on, I was walking home from the post office with my son. We had run into a friend of my parents there and chatted a bit and heard some good news. I had the same thought, "I need to call dad and tell him."
Then I remembered that I can never call him again.

Why is my brain not working properly?

Monday, October 5, 2009

tomorrow, tomorrow

Last week I did not get my dishwasher. Well I did get it but it didn't work. Tomorrow the repair man is coming to fix the little part that is broken.
Will this be the end of my dishwashing saga?
tune in to find out...

Friday, October 2, 2009

Beauty from Ashes

Passage Isaiah 61:3:

To all who mourn in Israel,
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory.

I've always liked this verse but haven't really grasped it's meaning until now.

Had a good chat with my mother in law this morning. Won't go into details but it's just so interesting how God works. He's taken heartache and pain and made good from them. It's not that the ashes never existed, they aren't forgotten, but he has made something good rise from them. My daughter is an example of this beauty.

I miss my dad. I always will. But God can use this experience for good. It won't be that my pain never existed and I will never forget my dad or the sorrow that his dying caused. But I can try and help others who have gone through loss. Just like my mother in law has helped me.

After my dad died, my mom and I talked about how we now know how to help others deal with a death. Until you go through it you just don't know. The people that came and brought food and took care of all the little details were so awesome. They also cried with us - which was also helpful for some reason. I know our whole family was grateful for these people.

Now I know how to help others when a tragedy strikes. I also know that sometimes words don't mean anything and that sometimes it's better not to say anything at all then to say something trite. Sometime, just crying with the person who is sad is enough.

God knows what he's doing even when we don't. He can turn my mourning into joy and make something beautiful from the ashes.