Spring

We are now into year three with no dad. It's hard to explain how it feels. And sometimes I just want to not talk about it at all.

I think I am just pushing emotions away right now because I'm already emotional enough being pregnant and mom to two other kids, trying to keep up my house while running a daycare.
That has been hard and I made the decision to be done a month earlier than I had planned. I'm just so tired. And still feel sick a lot. (so thankful for diclectin!) And we've dealt with some illnesses around here the past month that have been exhausting.

But enough complaining, it doesn't help anything.

I am thankful for friends who call and email and text and pop by and who understand when I can't call back, but love me anyway.
For my kids who love me no matter what, want to be with me even when I'm grumpy.
For a healthy baby growing inside me. (we can't wait to meet you!)
For my husband who has been cooking almost all of our suppers lately and does laundry when I am too tired to walk up and down the stairs and who works hard to take care of us.
For my family who are walking this same road as me and try to stay positive. (and excited for my mom - who just bought a new house!)
For my daycare families who have been so understanding.

That Spring is on it's way! Time to start thinking about flowers (tulips are my fav) and long walks and sunshine and BBQ's and relaxing on our deck!

One more thing that annoys me...

People posting this statement on Facebook:


"Depression, anxiety and panic attacks are NOT a sign of weakness.


They are signs of having tried to remain strong for too long. Did you know that


1 in 3 of us go through this at some point in our lives? Would you post this on your


wall for at least one day? Most people won't but it's Mental Health Awareness Week.


Share the support! Let those who struggle know they're not alone."





First of all, I've seen this posted many times over the past couple of months. Is it actually


Mental Health Awareness Week? Nope.





When I googled Mental Health Awareness Week - this is the site I found:


http://www.uwindsor.ca/mentalhealth/





So it was Mental Health Awareness Week at a the University of Windsor from January 16-20th.





I also found this:


http://miaw.ca/en/campaign/overview.aspx





From that site it says -Mental Illness Awareness Week is September 30 - October 6, 2012.


That one seems like the National site for this.








As someone who has struggled with Depression off and on since I was 18, I find it very frustrating to see that I "tried to remain strong for too long". This is not true!


I had a chemical imbalance in my brain that led me to become depressed. There are factors that triggered it. But that is not always the case.


Mental Illness is a real illness. It is the same as being diagnosed with diabetes or any other disease. It's just not as straight forward to treat or diagnose. It can come and go. Medication does help. And taking it does not make you a weak person.








I really hate the attitude that I tried to stay strong for too long and then basically gave in and let myself become depressed or had a panic attack.





There really is no way to completely understand mental illness unless you've experienced it.But you can learn more about it. And simply putting a status like that up on Facebook doesn't do a whole lot of good.

Things that annoy me (I'm allowed - I'm pregnant)

1. Being called a babysitter. I run a business. It's a daycare. I am 29 years old, not a teenage babysitter.

2. Being asked to supply muffins for the teachers at the school, while running said daycare, while pregnant, on a day when my son is not in school, (and feeling like I cannot say no) when I know there are plenty of other mom's who are not as busy as I am.

3. People assuming because I work at home, I don't actually work.

4. Small children crying outside my door while I try to have some semblance of privacy and go pee.

5. "Window's Technicians" calling at 7:30 in the morning.

6. People assuming because it's been almost 3 years that I am "over" my dad's death. Do me a favour - just imagine your dad died completely unexpected. Think about it for a minute. Then tell me how you might feel... (even three years later)

7. When people call me during drop -off and pick-up times, and wonder why I'm frazzled.

8. Having to confirm appointments I've already made. I should only have to call to cancel. grrr.

9. When people post what they've just Pinned on Facebook. If I wanted to see what you've pinned I would follow you on Pinterest. (I will write a whole post on Pinterest at some point)

10. Spelling mistakes in books and on websites. Especially small business sites - get someone to proofread your stuff!

11. My eye that has been twitching for three days.

money money money

I am trying to put money away each month for when I have no income. But am worried that we aren't going to be able to pay all of our bills come summer.

I would not consider myself someone who is frivolous with money. But I would say we spend what we make for the most part these days. We get the groceries we want (although we need to have a LOT of food when running a daycare), we go out regularly. We bought our kids some toys for Christmas, we have two vehicles that we fill with gas every week and get take-out on occasion (especially these days when I have no energy to cook after a full day with kids)

I do remember what it is like to be poor. To not be able to afford toilet paper or toothpaste or the food you want (meat!) or go out with friends for supper. So I try not to waste money.

We do not have cable, we pay 7.99 for Netflix every month and that is all. We do not have new furniture, neither of us goes for regular haircuts or salon visits, I don't have gel nails, we get hand-me-downs for our kids (still buy the occasional clothing item but not a whole lot), we do not go shopping every weekend or get Starbucks everyday, I didn't buy a whole new maternity wardrobe - I borrowed clothes from friends.

We do not go on holidays every year. We have never been anywhere tropical. However we do go visit family at least every other year in Nova Scotia, but stay with family and apart from flights, don't spend very much money while we are there.

We bought our van second-hand with cash.

I use coupons and usually shop at Costco or Extra Foods (when they have their discount days).

I am seriously considering a diaper service for the baby when she is born. It is $27 a week, which is less than disposable diapers. I know I would not be able to keep up with laundry if I were using my own cloth diapers. I can barely keep on top of laundry right now as it is. So this is a possible option for us. The service is already driving out to where we live, so it would just be one more quick stop for them.

I am running out of ideas though...

I guess I just need to think of more ideas and look at our budget and ways to cut it...

Another January

6 posts in the last year. That's pretty bad. So I doubt anyone checks this anymore.

Sometimes I miss blogging, other times I just don't care. I really don't have time to just sit down and write, but on the other hand it would probably be good for me to get some thoughts out.

I am halfway through my third pregnancy. I don't remember a lot from my last pregnancy. My dad died when I was at this stage with my daughter.
I measured 6 weeks ahead at my past appointment and apparently did when I was pregnant with my daughter too but have no recollection of this. It's strange and I also feel guilty. With my son I kept track of everything and did for the first part with my daughter but then stopped. I just did not have the energy. And now with this one, I just haven't had time. And honestly sometimes forget that I am even pregnant.

It's hard to believe that in March it will be three years since my dad died. Three years since I saw him, hugged him, heard his voice. It's gone by very fast yet very slow.

Back to present day, I've been running a daycare out of our house since May. It's been good but hard. Lately I have been feeling really cooped up. I think just being stuck inside almost all the time is getting to me. It's been a warm winter, and we have gone outside to play but you still can't be outside all day long. And I won't drive with all the kids. We don't have enough carseats and I don't want that responsibility.
So here we stay, trying to keep the kids entertained with books, colouring, toys and snacks. (and the occasional Sesame Street or Diego episode)

Since I don't qualify for a mat leave, realistically and financially I can only take four months off when the baby comes. This is frustrating as I would love to be able to just have a year at home with just my kids. But we made this choice when I quit my job and we moved into this house. And I am very thankful for the house we live in and everything we have.

It's been nice to have a bathroom on the same floor as our bedroom and to not have to go down a steep of stairs six times a night!

So, not much else going on right now. Trying to figure life out and enjoy it. Trying to not rush through the day so I can go to sleep , but to spend quality time with my children while I only have the two. Trying to be happy with all the blessings I have and not envious of other's lives. Trying to not think too much about all that my dad is missing here on earth.
Trying to love Jesus and not continue questioning why our family has had to go through this heartache. Trying to appreciate that other's have it way worse and we were so lucky to have him for the time we did. Trying to enjoy the family that is here and love them.
I'll keep trying.

8 years

Wow! It's been awhile. However I was blog snooping today and see that most of my friends who have blogs have also been neglecting theirs, so I don't feel too bad.



What a summer it's been. Actually what a year. Seriously. If you told me a year ago that I would be living in a different house and running a daycare I never would have believed it. What a crazy year!




It was our 8th Anniversary yesterday and this post still rings true.
So now it is 8 years, two houses, three kids, a minivan (something we said we'd never get!) two new jobs and too many events to name.

We went out for supper last night and were talking about what life was like when first got married. It's funny how we thought life was so stressful, yet we had a nice apartment and made a decent amount of money, could pay all of our bills and had no kids or a house to worry about.
Sometimes I wish we could go back to that time and just enjoy it.
But that is how life goes. It's all perspective now.
Sure it was stressful being newlyweds when none of our other friends were married, I worked two jobs and was going to University. But I still wish I could go back and tell my 21 year old self to just relax and enjoy things.

I guess the lesson is to just live in the moment. Not to worry about tomorrow and to enjoy life. Because you never know what's going to happen. And worrying never changes a thing.

So Happy 8 years to my wonderful husband. I am SO thankful for you.

thoughts

We moved. We are settling into our new house. Life has been insanely busy and I barely have a moment to read blogs let alone write in my own.

So here are some random thoughts:

2 year old house vs 102 year old house = awesome

We have too much stuff

Toddlers are hilarious. My daughter is adorable.

My four year old is so ready for school. He is driving me crazy (in a good way) with questions. Yet he declares that he "knows everything"

I miss my dad

I really hope our old house sells soon

I would like to see our nephew and meet our niece.

I love summer weather

I have amazing friends

Life is a breath

So blessed to be a mom and have a great mom, grandmas and mother in law

I love Chai lattes

So many people need help. What can I do?

I will never catch up on laundry

Pray without ceasing

My sister in law is a good listener and I complain to her too much

My husband loves me. No matter what.

Jesus does want us to be happy. And to love unconditionally

Heaven is really real.

I am So blessed. I cannot take anything for granted.

Love.

The world is going crazy.

Love is all you need.