Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Prepare yourself

grief  /grif/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [greef] Show IPA

1. keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.
2. a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow.

I have joined a Grief Share group at the church we have been attending.
I went to the first meeting last night. It was quiet, a bit uncomfortable, but good. I'm sure we will all warm up to each other in the coming weeks.
I think it is going to be a good thing for me to actually DEAL with some things rather than pushing them away to deal with "later on".

Prepare to be inundated with quotes, comments and thoughts all pertaining to GRIEF.

Grief is a normal process that will take as much time as it takes. I will not allow others to tell me how long I should be grieving. Or allow others to tell me how I should be grieving. It is an individual, complicated thing.
I am going to do what I need to do. I am going to allow God to show me Compassion and Grace and work with me through this process.
Even Jesus experienced grief. I am not weak because I am grieving. I loved my dad. He died. I am sad.
And I am not over it just because it's been 10 months. Some days it feels like it was yesterday.

Last night I told my husband, when you don't ask about or mention anything about my dad, it feels like you don't care.

I know he cares and is sad as well. But that's how I feel.

If you know someone who's grieving (this is not a call for attention to myself - I know whoever reads this loves me and most of my friends have been wonderful in this way) just send a note or call or let them know you are thinking of them and missing the person they lost too.

That's all.


  1. Dana,
    I am thinking of you - and missing Doug lots too. You know, I not only miss his warmth and humour...but I miss how he was generous with his hugs - and an arm around the shoulder hanging out on the couch.

    I think it's great you are going to this group and working through some of this stuff with other folks. I think you are very brave and admire your honesty. Whatever timeframe your greiving takes, I know you are becoming even stronger than ever.

    much love,

  2. Dana, I too miss your dad. Doug was an amazing friend. Our times together were always so rich and full of love and laughter. Every time we left your folks, I wished we had MORE time together - and always kinda assumed there would be more...

    I've had a grieving kind of week too. Another dear friend of ours - this time in Winnipeg - is lying in the hospital in critical condition - and if he comes through this, without God's miraculous touch, he will never be the same. And I'm grieving.

    And also this week my dear sister-in-law decided to leave my baby brother. It feels like a death too. And I'm praying for a miracle of healing in her life and in the life of my brother.

    But in it all - dealing with it is so important. We can't just push it away or it will rear its ugly head in some other way.

    Personally, I do not think 10 months is too long to grieve - in fact, after 5 years I was missing my Dad so much this week. He would have had some good things to speak into this terrible situation with my brother's family and we miss his unconditional love and his positive view of the world even when things look bleak.

    So, like Sydney, I think it's great that you are doing this. My Mom went to a grief group after Dad died and those people in that group have continued to meet once a month just to connect and see how they're all doing. It has been amazing for her.

    Blessings, Dana

  3. Hey Dana,
    I came to your blog today because I was missing Uncle Doug. I don't know what to say. I'm just sad. It's still unbelieveable to me...that he's gone. It has brought things into focus a little more for me - like thinking about what my priorities are, and what they should be. Thinking about legacy...and leaving one.
    Uncle Doug left a great legacy, lived through by his amazing kids, grandchildren, and wife. You honour your father by living. Living authentically. Part of that is grieving authentically. Don't be afraid to be real.

    Read Psalms. God never wanted us to hide our grief or emotions. It's okay to vent.

    love you lots.

  4. Hey Dana,

    I know it's not the same as losing your father, but when my Grandpa died in August just before Logan was born, it was a huge blow to the entire family. He was only 64, and died alone from a head trauma due to a grand-mal seizure. He was epileptic and showing early signs of Alzheimer's. We think he may have "forgotten" he was epileptic and therefor did not have any medication in the house. He lived alone on a farm in the middle of nowhere and wasn't found by my uncle until three days after. If only his neighbors would have noticed there wasn't any activity on the farm and came to check on him, he might not have bled to death, alone. And that's the hardest part, he had seven children and dozens of grand-children, but yet he was alone. I'm angry, so angry that my aunts and uncles and even my mother didn't take any steps towards dealing with his Alzheimer's. No one realized just how bad it was until we went to the farm for the funeral and started cleaning out the house. He had sticky notes and reminders all over the house of how to do things, when to do them, who people were, etc. He even had instructions on how to do the simple daily task of how to make coffee.

    He was the only constant man I had in my life for the first nine years of my life. I spent every summer up to that point on the farm with him and my grandma and every Christmas, Easter and school holidays that my mom couldn't get off. My uncle told me at the funeral, that he always had a special place in his heart for me, I was like the eight child (my mom had me as a teenager living at home). Anyway, I'm sorry for impeding on your blog like this, but my point is, I can feel your pain. Not to the same extent that you do, but it's there.

    Everyone does grieve differently. They talk about the seven stages of grief, well I'm still angry after six months. But I hope you have moved on past that. At the very least your father knew how much you love him as did my Grandpa. Some of my aunts hadn't spoken to him in three years, since my wedding, and as such, they are in therapy to deal with their guilt and grief. Seeing and hearing that has made me realize that we must not ever let the ones we care about and love feel as though we don't, because you just never know. You are in my thoughts and my prayers and my God guide you through your hard times.