Sunday, August 22, 2010

new normal

Grieving is hard. Missing someone is awful. Expecting them to be there and then realizing they are not can make you physically ill.

But do you know what is worse? When life starts to feel normal without that person around.

I am starting to not look for my dad when I go to my mom's house. I don't expect to see him in his chair when I walk through the door. I am starting to forget his laugh and his voice. I don't expect to hear him answer the phone. I don't pick up the phone to ask him a question. I don't worry about the coming winter and all of the icy sidewalks and stairs that he could slip on.
When I dream of him, I know that he is gone and wake up sad instead of hopeful. Because I want to just keep dreaming.
I no longer think of things to bake to take over to him. I can't ask him what my mom would like for her birthday.

I know this is normal and probably good...? But it feels much much worse.


  1. Again, my dear, you make me cry. I pray the new normal for you stops being sad, your kids need a happy mom.

  2. Ahh. (tears)

    Thinking of you this morning, as I was listening to Chris Tomlin and the song "I will Rise" I have no words - just wish I could give you a hug. But I'll leave you with the lyrics:

    There's a peace I've come to know
    When my heart and flesh may fail
    There's an anchor for my soul
    I can say, it is well

    Jesus has overcome
    And the grave is overwhelmed
    Victory is won
    He is risen from the dead

    And I will rise when He calls my name
    No more sorrow, no more pain
    I will rise on eagle's wings
    before my God, fall on my knees
    And rise. I will rise

    There's a day that's drawing near
    When this darness breaks to light
    And the shadows disappear
    And my faith shall be my eyes

    Jesus has overcome...

  3. you brought tears to my eyes too... normal - such a weird concept... love you muchly. - Dana

  4. I am beginning to think there is no such thing as normal, just constant change. Light and shadow always in motion; learning to live in the motion.- Loretta