A friend of mine recently asked if I still think of my dad everyday. Yes I do.
I started thinking about how often a thought about my dad passes through my mind.
A typical day goes like this:
I wake up, think about what needs to be done during the day, and then remember my dad is dead. It feels like a kick in the stomach. I literally feel sick whenever I am reminded of this. I think about how much I miss him and all that he is missing here.
I feed my daughter and make my son's breakfast, we play, read some stories and again I am reminded by some unknown force that I have no dad to call and tell what my kids have been up to. Another kick.
We have lunch, I put my daughter down for her nap and as I hold her in my arms, my eyes well up as I think of how much my dad would have liked to have held her, just once.
Kick.
My son and I might read or watch some tv or play on the Wii (Nintendo). When I see my dad's Mii character on the Wii and my son says something about what Papa is doing, I get kicked again. I try to talk about happy things with my son and remind him of what fun he used to have with his Papa, but it still makes me sad.
Then I make some supper, talk to my mom on the phone and am kicked when I think about her and my little sister alone in their house. No dad.
Throughout the evening, we have some family time, play a game, watch some tv and then put our son to bed. As we pray with our son, we thank Jesus for the good day and ask him to send his angels to watch over us and to say hi to Papa in Heaven. Another little kick. This is a bittersweet time for me as I try to remember that Heaven is way better than here on Earth. But I am still sad.
Then we play with our daughter, talk about our day, discuss something that needs doing in our house and get kicked again when reminded that we don't have my dad around to ask advice, put our daughter to bed and go to bed ourselves. My last thought at night is always, oh yeah, dad is really gone, this sucks, don't cry, you don't need to cry, go to sleep. But it never works.
So yes, I do still think about my dad EVERYDAY.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Monkey Toast
We had a lovely brunch the other day. With lovely company.
Thick white bread with Nutella and banana slices sandwiched in between. Dipped in a chocolate french toast batter and fried to perfection. Topped with chocolate whipped cream. So yummy.
Christened Monkey Toast by my three year old because anything involving bananas and chocolate is associated with monkeys.
Try it sometime. I think we have found our new family holiday favorite.
On another note, my last GriefShare was about kids and grief. It was very interesting. Most things I had heard or realized. The one thing that stuck out in my mind was how kids might regress. Grief affects everything that is going on in life. I realized that when my dad died, our son's potty training flew out the window. I had never put the two together before. Of course!
Of course he stopped. I barely remember those first months now but I remember that they were extremely stressful. No wonder it has taken so long and still continues to be a battle somedays.
Man, I wish I'd realized this sooner.
They also suggested that people write a letter to children who have lost a parent. Close friends or family can write a letter telling the child how much their loved one meant to them, special memories and things like that. So I am going to write a letter to my little sister. It might not mean a lot now, but when she's older she will really appreciate it. So, if you are family or a friend who knew and loved my dad, you could do the same if so inclined. It would mean a lot to me and will to her as well.
Thick white bread with Nutella and banana slices sandwiched in between. Dipped in a chocolate french toast batter and fried to perfection. Topped with chocolate whipped cream. So yummy.
Christened Monkey Toast by my three year old because anything involving bananas and chocolate is associated with monkeys.
Try it sometime. I think we have found our new family holiday favorite.
On another note, my last GriefShare was about kids and grief. It was very interesting. Most things I had heard or realized. The one thing that stuck out in my mind was how kids might regress. Grief affects everything that is going on in life. I realized that when my dad died, our son's potty training flew out the window. I had never put the two together before. Of course!
Of course he stopped. I barely remember those first months now but I remember that they were extremely stressful. No wonder it has taken so long and still continues to be a battle somedays.
Man, I wish I'd realized this sooner.
They also suggested that people write a letter to children who have lost a parent. Close friends or family can write a letter telling the child how much their loved one meant to them, special memories and things like that. So I am going to write a letter to my little sister. It might not mean a lot now, but when she's older she will really appreciate it. So, if you are family or a friend who knew and loved my dad, you could do the same if so inclined. It would mean a lot to me and will to her as well.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Inspired
I've been inspired by a couple of things lately.
First:
http://flylady.net/
Anyone who knows me, knows that I hate cleaning with a passion. But now I am inspired to get it done. One baby step at a time. The FlyLady says you can do anything for 15 minutes at a time. She also says that I am not lazy. Which is what I tell myself when I can't keep my house clean.
She says, "Your problem is that you don't know what to do first and when you decide on a course of action, you are continually spinning your wheels and unable to finish anything. By the end of the day you are exhausted, the house is trashed and you have accomplished nothing."
That is exactly my problem, I start something, see something else that needs doing (because I'm a multi-tasker) and start that,and so on. I don't get anything done, then feel as if there's no point because I like things done right and if it's not getting done right it might as well not get done at all.
FlyLady says to focus on one thing/room for 15 minutes a day. Eventually it will get done. She also says to focus on getting rid of clutter. Are the things we own blessing our house or just taking up space? We have so much crap around that doesn't need to be here. Also, when you buy something, throw out or give away something else. For example when you buy a new pair of shoes, throw out your old ones. We really live in a culture of excess - how many pairs of shoes does one person need?
Second:
For awhile now I've been asking myself if i'm genuinely interested in people's lives or just nosy. I check everyone's status, look at pictures and "like" people's comments etc. But do I really need to do it 5 times a day? Is this enriching my life?
Is it taking time away from other more important things?
I started by deleting some of my contacts or friends on facebook. People that I probably wouldn't talk to if I saw them walking on the street. I also (while in a bad, feeling sorry for myself mood) "defriended" the people who didn't write me or acknowledge my dad's death when I KNEW they for sure would have heard about it. Some of them I was very close to while growing up and felt that at least some sort of acknowledgement was necessary.
So now I am taking a FAST from facebook. For Lent. I might check my own profile once in awhile just to see if anyone has written to me but I am not going to snoop on others profiles or look on the Home page to see what others are up to. As my inspiration for doing this said, I am going to live in the real world for awhile.
So hopefully with my newfound skills at tackling and cleaning and organizing my house and the free time to do so because I am not constantly checking the computer I will also be a better mother and wife.
I will probably be blogging a bit more too:)
First:
http://flylady.net/
Anyone who knows me, knows that I hate cleaning with a passion. But now I am inspired to get it done. One baby step at a time. The FlyLady says you can do anything for 15 minutes at a time. She also says that I am not lazy. Which is what I tell myself when I can't keep my house clean.
She says, "Your problem is that you don't know what to do first and when you decide on a course of action, you are continually spinning your wheels and unable to finish anything. By the end of the day you are exhausted, the house is trashed and you have accomplished nothing."
That is exactly my problem, I start something, see something else that needs doing (because I'm a multi-tasker) and start that,and so on. I don't get anything done, then feel as if there's no point because I like things done right and if it's not getting done right it might as well not get done at all.
FlyLady says to focus on one thing/room for 15 minutes a day. Eventually it will get done. She also says to focus on getting rid of clutter. Are the things we own blessing our house or just taking up space? We have so much crap around that doesn't need to be here. Also, when you buy something, throw out or give away something else. For example when you buy a new pair of shoes, throw out your old ones. We really live in a culture of excess - how many pairs of shoes does one person need?
Second:
For awhile now I've been asking myself if i'm genuinely interested in people's lives or just nosy. I check everyone's status, look at pictures and "like" people's comments etc. But do I really need to do it 5 times a day? Is this enriching my life?
Is it taking time away from other more important things?
I started by deleting some of my contacts or friends on facebook. People that I probably wouldn't talk to if I saw them walking on the street. I also (while in a bad, feeling sorry for myself mood) "defriended" the people who didn't write me or acknowledge my dad's death when I KNEW they for sure would have heard about it. Some of them I was very close to while growing up and felt that at least some sort of acknowledgement was necessary.
So now I am taking a FAST from facebook. For Lent. I might check my own profile once in awhile just to see if anyone has written to me but I am not going to snoop on others profiles or look on the Home page to see what others are up to. As my inspiration for doing this said, I am going to live in the real world for awhile.
So hopefully with my newfound skills at tackling and cleaning and organizing my house and the free time to do so because I am not constantly checking the computer I will also be a better mother and wife.
I will probably be blogging a bit more too:)
Friday, February 12, 2010
Peaches and Cream
When I was little (around 8 or 9 I think) there was a Barbie that every little girl wanted and lots of my friends had. It was called "Peaches and Cream Barbie" She had the most beautiful peach dress with a long flowing skirt and a peach wraparound.
I had always heard the term "peaches and cream" and wondered what it would taste like. If they named a Barbie after it, it must be a really wonderful dessert.
So, my dad went out to the store and bought a peach and some real cream. Then he cut up the peach,put it in a bowl and poured some cream over it and gave it to me.
It tasted awful. Not sweet at all. Not what I was expecting at all.
So I didn't eat it.
What a waste.
My dad was probably a bit annoyed. But I don't remember it being a big deal.
I wanted to try it, so he let me.
That's what kind of dad my dad was.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
A Letter
This is an assignment from the GriefShare support group that I am in. We are supposed to write this and give copies to friends. I choose to share it this way.
I realize some might find it awkward, so it's here if you want to read it.
To my friends,
This past year has been the hardest in my life. My Dad died suddenly and unexpectedly in March. We did not even get to say goodbye to him. Even though it has been almost eleven months, I (and my family) am still hurting. Some days are okay and others I don't want to get out of bed. It is going to take my family and I a long time to recover from our loss. Please don't rush us.
I want to say thank you to those who have supported me and grieved with me. Thank you for understanding when I have been aloof and angry and sad. Thank you for continuing to be there for me. To those who brought food, and sent cards and did other things to make our family's life easier - thanks so much.
Please understand if I have not been a good friend during this time. I simply have not had the energy to keep up with phone calls and visits. It is not because I don't care about you.
Right now, we (my whole family) need your prayers. And even if you don't know what to say, a hug or listening ear is great. Don't be scared by my tears. They are necessary.
And Please don't be afraid to mention my dad to any of us. Especially to my little sister and my children. They need to hear how wonderful he was. It hurts more when you pretend he didn't exist. He was a wonderful man and we need to talk about him. It hurts so much to know that my dad never got to meet my daughter. Having her this year was a wonderful thing - it gave us all some light at the end of the tunnel. But it was very difficult as well. The stress of grieving and having a newborn was more than I could handle somedays.
Slowly things are getting easier. But I realize there is no magic number.
I know that God has a plan. Even if it doesn't make sense to me. Like Rick said at my dad's funeral: God doesn't make mistakes - his timing is perfect - even if we don't get it. Dad trusted this. We need to as well. In his wallet he carried around a piece of paper with the verse Isaiah 41:10.
Please continue to check in. A simple note or phone call or visit lets me know you care. Things are never going to be the same again, especially for my mom and sister. We all need lots of time and patience.
And sometimes some practical help. If you want to help out with something, tell us. Don't expect us to ask for help. We won't.
Don't be afraid to mention this to me. I am putting it out there on purpose.
Thanks for reading and for continuing to pray for us.
I realize some might find it awkward, so it's here if you want to read it.
To my friends,
This past year has been the hardest in my life. My Dad died suddenly and unexpectedly in March. We did not even get to say goodbye to him. Even though it has been almost eleven months, I (and my family) am still hurting. Some days are okay and others I don't want to get out of bed. It is going to take my family and I a long time to recover from our loss. Please don't rush us.
I want to say thank you to those who have supported me and grieved with me. Thank you for understanding when I have been aloof and angry and sad. Thank you for continuing to be there for me. To those who brought food, and sent cards and did other things to make our family's life easier - thanks so much.
Please understand if I have not been a good friend during this time. I simply have not had the energy to keep up with phone calls and visits. It is not because I don't care about you.
Right now, we (my whole family) need your prayers. And even if you don't know what to say, a hug or listening ear is great. Don't be scared by my tears. They are necessary.
And Please don't be afraid to mention my dad to any of us. Especially to my little sister and my children. They need to hear how wonderful he was. It hurts more when you pretend he didn't exist. He was a wonderful man and we need to talk about him. It hurts so much to know that my dad never got to meet my daughter. Having her this year was a wonderful thing - it gave us all some light at the end of the tunnel. But it was very difficult as well. The stress of grieving and having a newborn was more than I could handle somedays.
Slowly things are getting easier. But I realize there is no magic number.
I know that God has a plan. Even if it doesn't make sense to me. Like Rick said at my dad's funeral: God doesn't make mistakes - his timing is perfect - even if we don't get it. Dad trusted this. We need to as well. In his wallet he carried around a piece of paper with the verse Isaiah 41:10.
Please continue to check in. A simple note or phone call or visit lets me know you care. Things are never going to be the same again, especially for my mom and sister. We all need lots of time and patience.
And sometimes some practical help. If you want to help out with something, tell us. Don't expect us to ask for help. We won't.
Don't be afraid to mention this to me. I am putting it out there on purpose.
Thanks for reading and for continuing to pray for us.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Little boys
A quote from my three year old.
Son - Do you have a penis mommy?
Me - No, just boys have penises.
Son - lots of boys?
Me - Yes. (trying not to laugh)
We have had MANY conversations like this. He just can't believe that girls don't have a penis.
He's also learning how complicated the English language is.
After my husbands' mom left yesterday he said - "I miss Grandma so well".
At least he doesn't ask for Beer anymore!
Son - Do you have a penis mommy?
Me - No, just boys have penises.
Son - lots of boys?
Me - Yes. (trying not to laugh)
We have had MANY conversations like this. He just can't believe that girls don't have a penis.
He's also learning how complicated the English language is.
After my husbands' mom left yesterday he said - "I miss Grandma so well".
At least he doesn't ask for Beer anymore!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Blah Thursday
So many things I want to write about, but don't think I'll get it all out today:
My mother-in-law was here for the past two weeks. She left this morning. It was SO nice to have some adult company during the day. She helped me with the kids, did dishes, laundry, swept, let me get some extra sleep, etc etc. My husband's family live on the East Coast so we usually only get to see them once a year. We usually go there in the summer so we can visit with everyone. But this year, I didn't want to travel with a newborn so his parents came to visit in late summer. Then my MIL came out for this visit because the price was right and to spend some more time with the kids. It was great! My son made her read him so many stories - I'm sure she was tired of reading but he loved it!
I am going to have to get out more - having someone around to talk to makes you feel so lonely when they're gone. I love my kids, and talking with my son is great, but he's still only 3!
To top it off, we all now have colds. Perfect. I just mentioned the other day that we've been so healthy this winter so far. Usually it seems like my son has a constant cold during winter, but this one was good. Until now. Oh well.
I have so many other thoughts I want to get out, but am out of energy.
Plus I still have to figure out what to make for supper. So, I hope to return to faithful blogging soon. One of these days I will actually write more than one post in a week.
My mother-in-law was here for the past two weeks. She left this morning. It was SO nice to have some adult company during the day. She helped me with the kids, did dishes, laundry, swept, let me get some extra sleep, etc etc. My husband's family live on the East Coast so we usually only get to see them once a year. We usually go there in the summer so we can visit with everyone. But this year, I didn't want to travel with a newborn so his parents came to visit in late summer. Then my MIL came out for this visit because the price was right and to spend some more time with the kids. It was great! My son made her read him so many stories - I'm sure she was tired of reading but he loved it!
I am going to have to get out more - having someone around to talk to makes you feel so lonely when they're gone. I love my kids, and talking with my son is great, but he's still only 3!
To top it off, we all now have colds. Perfect. I just mentioned the other day that we've been so healthy this winter so far. Usually it seems like my son has a constant cold during winter, but this one was good. Until now. Oh well.
I have so many other thoughts I want to get out, but am out of energy.
Plus I still have to figure out what to make for supper. So, I hope to return to faithful blogging soon. One of these days I will actually write more than one post in a week.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
