Yesterday, my mom, little sister and I met one of my "new" blogging friends and her mom for breakfast.
I say "new" because I kind of knew her from camp when I was a kid and she was a counselor. I also have been reading her blog for a long time.

She lost her dad in October. We connected awhile after that and have been in touch ever since. We have been trying to get together, with our moms (since they are in the same boat as well) since May and yesterday it finally worked!

We had a really nice time - chatted, cried a bit, laughed and talked some more. It was nice being with someone who is going through the same thing as I am and totally understands. Their loss is still so new and I feel for them going through this first summer without him.

She has been very honest in her blog and sometimes I feel like I could have written her posts. I am very thankful that we met and can be of some help to each other.

We had a really nice time and I'm looking forward to hanging out again.

sorry for myself

I am having one of "those" days today. Pretty sure it can all be attributed to pms (sorry if that's too much information but it's true).

This weather is driving me crazy. We've had way too much rain. At 8 am it was thundering and now it is sunny. Maybe the sun will last but who knows. We were supposed to go out this morning to a friend's house. But I decided not to risk walking over with the kids in case it started to rain again. Not having a car is so annoying some days. I would love to be able to pack the kids up and go to the zoo or something.

The rain is also making our lives miserable by gathering in our basement. Our sump pump is running all the time, but you can still smell the water from the cold storage and laundry rooms. I used to love the rain. Now I hate it. It is wrecking my summer. We can hardly get any work done outside due to the wet and the mosquitoes.

I am feeling extremely overwhelmed with trying to spend time with my kids, worrying about our house, do laundry, cook and keep the house clean after being totally spoiled for the two weeks we were gone. Plus I start work next month and even though it's very part-time I'm wondering how I will manage.

Our phone has been out since Saturday. Super fun.

In my Grief Share book it talks about how every day/week/month/whatever, you miss something new about the person you lost. There are more facets to a relationship with a person then you even realize. Today I am missing my Fix-it dad who knew how to fix everything and would tell me all the answers to what we should be doing with our house. I could just call him and he would come over and make it better. I don't have anyone like that anymore. I was so spoiled to have a dad like that, and I miss him so much.
I am bawling as I type this, and my son is telling me not to be sad. I hate this. Of course I miss him everyday but for some reason, it hurts a lot more today. It's been 16 months. I just want to talk to him. I want to see his face and hear his voice. I want to see him with my mom. I want him to play with my sister and my kids and my nieces and nephew. I want him to answer the phone when I call their house.

I miss my dad.

Where I've been

We just returned home after two weeks in Nova Scotia. This is a bit of what we did there:

Blew some bubbles

More bubbles

Looked at rocks and threw some in the ocean


walked on the beach

watched the water





Saw a "sea monster"

Saw some boats

Ate the best Fish 'n Chips ever!


We had a great time! Saw lots of family, celebrated my daughter's 1st Birthday, relaxed and spent lots of time near the ocean. The kids were great - and even did well on the flights. Two weeks flew by - now it's back to reality. My son is having a hard time adjusting to only having me around after two weeks of undivided daddy and grandparent attention. We are still a bit jet-lagged and are trying to get used to being back at home.

2nd Father's Day

Tomorrow will be our second Father's Day with no dad. For some reason this year is worse than last.
Last year it was so new and fresh, it was really awful. But this year, because it's been so much longer and we know that it is really permanent and that he's really not ever coming back - it's even worse.

I am grateful for the 26 years I did have with my dad. He really was a wonderful man and the best dad a person could ask for. As much as I will celebrate the dad that he was, tomorrow will be bittersweet because we miss him, we wish he was here and we would like to celebrate with him.

I am so thankful that my husband is so understanding and knows that I am not thrilled for this holiday. Of course I realize that he is a dad and needs recognition as well. We will celebrate him tomorrow but it will be a sad day as well.

As I was looking at all the of the Father's Day cards in the store today, I saw all of the cute cards for Grandpa's and it made me sad that I couldn't get one for him from my kids.
Then I saw the cards for Daddy's from their little girls and it made me sad that my little sister doesn't have him around. She decided to miss the parts of school where they made crafts for their dads. How awful for her. How unfair.
Then I saw the cards for dad's from grown up kids. The long poems about all the special things they did and how thankful the kids are for having a wonderful, loving dad. And that made me sad for myself.
Then I saw the funny cards and it made me smile as I remembered all of the funny cards that my brother and I would get for my dad. We always tried to outdo each other with the funny cards to make dad laugh. He really did have the best sense of humor.

So, like so many other times and holidays, I am sad. But I am grateful.

I am truly thankful that God decided to make my dad my dad. Even thought it was shorter than I think it should have been. I wouldn't change it.

when I get older...

This is my dad's mom, my Granny Lil (and my aunt). We celebrated her 90th birthday this past weekend. It was a very nice party, held at the Western Development Museum. Family came from all over the country and even one from the States.

Doesn't she look great? She said she gets a lot of comments about her skin and questions about what her secret is.

Her answer? Take vitamins, stay out of the sun and use Avon. Granny has been using Avon since 1942. And her skin looks amazing.

I've always been told I take after this side of my family. So hopefully I have inherited these good genes.

Seeing all of the men together was pretty interesting. Especially my dad's brothers. At times I would hear my dad's voice or see an expression that made me think I was looking at his face. It was a wonderful celebration for my Granny but it was also so hard to be there without my dad. He loved his family so much and it would have been so nice if him and my grandfather could have been there. (They and my cousin's daughter are the only ones in the immediate family that have passed away)

At one point my brother had to leave the room because he was choked up and it broke my heart. It's not fair. It is so not fair that there are men out there who don't care about their families and abuse them and are deadbeats and they get to go on with their lives while my dad had to die. The whole evening, all I could think was this is a nice time but it's just not fair. I know life isn't fair. I know all the "answers" people would say to me, he's happy in Heaven, it was God's timing, we can't question God. But it's still not fair. He would have had a fabulous time. Maybe God let him have a glimpse of the party...I think it would have made him smile.

Earlier that day we all went out to the graveyard and planted a tree at my dad's headstone. It was good for all of the family to see it and have that time out there. Maybe it made the party a bit easier, I don't know. Just to have had that grieving part of the day over with so we could all try to be happy at Granny's party. I'm sure it did make it better for most. Probably a bit harder for us though.

Overall it was a good weekend. I saw family I hadn't seen for fifteen years, they all got to see all the kids and it was just nice for us all to be together.

It is definitely nice to get together for something other than a funeral...maybe we should do it more often.

brick wall

Today my son randomly said something about Papa being dead and why was Papa dead, how did it happen and on and on.

I was in the other room and my husband was a bit shocked but managed to say something about Papa's body not working properly and he died and now he was in Heaven. I, of course got all choked up.

It never ends. When you think you are managing a bit better and that life is moving on a bit, just one question brings you back to the start.

I honestly was almost starting to feel like my old self again lately. I've been keeping busy and have felt happy and have been getting things done.

I guess this will come and go.

But today I am angry.

This is not fair.

I am too young to not have a dad. My kids need a grandpa close to them. My mom needs her husband. My sister needs her daddy. My husband needs a Godly man around. My brother needs him. We all need him. And he's gone.

My dear friend is getting married soon. She was like another daughter to him. He would have really enjoyed knowing she met a wonderful guy. Another dear friend just had a baby. Another had twins. Good friends of his just became grandparents. My dad would have been so happy to hear the news.

I know all the Biblical answers. God's timing and how our days are numbered from the start, and how this is in the Master Plan. But right now I am struggling to understand how anything good can possibly come out of this.

Life these days.

So much to write, so little time.

Life is busy busy. Babies have been born. (with at least 9 more on the way!) Weddings happening soon. Kids are keeping me on my toes. Trying to get our yard looking half decent. Trying to get our house in order after recently doing some renos (which still need to get finished). Getting rid of baby clothes and accessories feels rather good!

I am loving the nice weather. And missing my dad these days. He would be outside almost non-stop once the weather turned nice. He would be telling us what we should be doing in our yard and planning what to do next in theirs. He would already have his dark brown tan that he got every year. He would be building something fun for my son and all the other kids to play on. And he would be doing lots of BBQ ing :)

My GriefShare group will be done next week. I feel as though I've come a long way in the past four months. Of course the pain won't ever be gone. But managing it is better I guess.

This past year has been a huge test of faith for me. I think I've survived, a bit stronger than I thought I was. And maybe I'll be able to articulate my thoughts at some point. But for now, all I can say is that if I wasn't completely sure I needed Jesus in my life before I do now. I do not know how those who grieve can do it without the assurance that their loved ones are in Heaven. I could go on and on. But I am not one to push my faith in one's face.

I am still grieving. Will never stop grieving. But I mourn with Hope. And that is what keeps me going day after day.